I have been looking for information on a topic and i have not found much so i am going to write my thoughts on it.
So many times we just assume that D/s and S&M go hand in hand. Most of the time it does. But a Dominant does not have to have a desire to give pain to be a Dominant. He/She can be a wonderful Dominant without it. Same with a submissive – he/she does not have to need pain to be a submissive. They can serve a Dominant just as fully without an ounce of pain play being involved.
There are also people who are into S&M that do not have anything at all to do with D/s. They are just people who need to give and receive pain – plain and simple. There is no submission, and many times the sexual pleasure comes from the giving and receiving of pain – not necessarily the sex act itself.
This is leading up to what has been running through my mind. A person may have the need to Dominate but yet still have a desire – a need – to receive pain. A submissive can have the overwhelming desire to serve someone but still feel the need to give pain. Odd sounding isn’t it? But it is out there.
These people are in a unique situation. As a Dominant – how can you ask your submissive to flog you, paddle you, whip you – and still maintain your Dominance? As a submissive, how do you explain to your Dominant – the person you serve – that you have this deep need? This can be a difficult conversation to say the least, but one that would have to be had. Otherwise you will be left with part of you left unfulfilled.
Many times these people will call themselves S/switches because it is the best way they know to describe it. They will describe themselves as a Switch so they can explain – as a Dominant, needing to experience pain on occasion, or as a submissive, needing to have someone who they can unleash their desires to give pain.
Sometimes a Masochist Dominant will have their submissive flog or whip them. This can be hard for a submissive to do – especially if they have never desired to do these things. However, to please their Dominant – to serve Him/Her in whatever manner that the Dominant requires they will do this. Some call it service topping, others just refer to it as being in service to the Dominant. He/She can spell out exactly what they are needing from their submissive to make it easier on the submissive. The submissive should realize that they are still serving their Dominant – just in a different fashion.
The trick here is the Sadist submissive. If a Dominant does not have a masochist side or is a Switch, the submissive is left in a bit of a situation. What do they do to satisfy that need to give pain? Not many Dominants are going to volunteer for whipping if it is not something that they desire. It can lead to a submissive feeling not quite fulfilled no matter how happy they are in their submission to their Dominant.
Sometimes these people are lucky enough to find each other. Can you imagine the feeling of relief when that happens? Finding someone who truly “gets” you! It is hard enough finding your perfect match in the Lifestyle as it is. We are not exactly what you call “normal” by vanilla standards as it is. Add in this unusual combination and it makes it even harder.
Remember, neither the Masochist Dominant nor the Sadist submissive are Switches. The Masochist Dominant has no desire to serve or submit – just to feel pain. The Sadist submissive has no desire at all to Dominate or to be served – just to give pain. And with so little information being out there about these 2 combinations it can leave them feeling a bit ….different. It can also make them feel like maybe they are not truly Dominant or submissive. Add to that the fact that many of the people in the L/s will also look at them like they are not Dominant/submissive, and they are even more stressed.
What everyone needs to remember is that each person’s needs and desires are different. What is right or wrong for you is not what is right or wrong for someone else. Don’t judge yourself by someone else’s relationship. Find what fulfills you, live it to the fullest, and that is the right way to lead your D/s relationship.