Relationships and BDSM – When One Partner is Submissive and the Other is Vanilla

head to head

I am going to address something that seems to be popping up more and more. It is about people trying to change their partners. I see it not only here but in messages to my pages.
When i first started getting messages from new subs, it was from people who had thought that they were submissive – usually, i am afraid to say because they had read a certain book and got hot and bothered. They submitted to a Dom and then did not like the fact that he punished them because they had done something wrong. He did not bend to her every whim. I guess they were under the impression that because CG gave in to Anastasia’s every whim and want that that was the way this lifestyle is supposed to work. WRONG. You submit because you desire to serve and please someone else. You get pleasure from serving. Yes he seeks to meet your needs also, they should not be ignored – but you serve him, not him serving you. I have even had people address the relationship as S/d which tells me right there they are in the wrong lifestyle.

As time has moved on, i am seeing more and more people wanting to change their partner into a Dominant (mainly male, but female also). People mistaking a dominant personality for a Dominant person. They are completely different things. I have dominant personality in my everyday life…but my very core is submissive. That is where i find my true pleasure and happiness. When i offer advice on this situation it is in ways that you can get pleasure from serving, not in changing a person. Yes you may be able to get them to partake in some kinky activities- enjoy the submissive activities that you do to give yourself pleasure – but they will never be truly Dominant. It is a fact that you have to accept.

If you accepted your submissive nature (not became submissive) after getting involved in a relationship, it is easier for you to find happiness in the little things you can do to serve your partner. You have never really known submission, so in fact, what you believe you want may, in reality, not be so. You could find out that outside of some kinkiness in the bedroom, the rest of this lifestyle is not your cup of tea. Complete satisfaction can be found in this lifestyle without sex being involved; however, kinky sex will never bring complete satisfaction to a submissive, imho. I am not saying it is wrong just to be kinky – because it is not. I am just saying that being kinky and being submissive are two entirely different things.

If you knew you were submissive (or Dominant) and got involved with a vanilla, then the partner is not usually at fault in this situation. Now i have seen “submissives” that could put on a good show long enough to win over a Dominant, but then after getting what they thought they wanted, did their very best to change the Dominant. I rarely hear of a “Dominant” faking being a Dominant until they won over a submissive and then dropping the facade after winning the submissive’s heart. If you knew you were submissive and did not make it completely clear that submission is a vital part of who you are, there is no one to blame but yourself. You knew that you needed the L/s and chose to get involved with a vanilla. How can you place him/her at fault, when they did not hide who and what they are? You fell for this person as they are and now are trying to force something on them that is not who they are. You are failing them, not the other way around. You are hurting yourself and them – not them hurting you. I can just imagine the uproar that would occur if a Dominant (especially male) tried to force being submissive on someone (especially female). He would be labeled an abuser.

As i have said, if you discovered yourself after getting involved and/or married to a vanilla, you have a lot to consider. Since you have never experienced the lifestyle, you can and should be able to find pleasure in setting at his/her feet, serving them in small ways, maybe even the mild kink that you MAY be able to convince them to participate in. Rarely is a Dominant going to discover that they are Dominant, but if they do, it may be a little more complicated. A strong-willed vanilla is not going to submit very easily – although they may enjoy a little kink in the bedroom. However, if you knew you were submissive, and either hid the fact completely or kept telling yourself that you could change the person, you can only look to yourself. If you were not getting your needs met while dating – that is not going to change after you get married. If you thought that you could live without the lifestyle, decided to continue seeing a vanilla and then found out that you could not live without that part of yourself – it is still on you. It was your decision. Don’t kick a good vanilla because they cannot change to be something other than what they are. If they agreed to try, and just can’t do it – they still have not failed you. They tried. You failed yourself in not seeking the love and commitment you needed in the lifestyle.

At this point you have to make the decision now whether you are going to stay in a relationship, and either be unhappy and strive to make a good person happy; stay in a relationship and try to force something on someone who they do not feel and make both of you unhappy; or hurt a good person (although in the long run doing them a favor) and leave and make yourself happy. If you discovered your submissive side after getting seriously involved or married to someone, it is a lot more complicated. Neither of you did anything wrong. People grow and change all the time and relationships failed. If you tried to compromise and happiness still could not be found, then no one is really to blame. People change. You are still going to have to make hard decisions, and i truly feel your pain in this.

Either way – remember, the vanilla is innocent in this…Good or bad, a leopard can’t change his spots. You can dye his fur, shave him bald – but he will always be a leopard.

Trust and Honesty

Trust and Honesty

I am going to speak on a couple of topics that it seems to be coming up more than should in a D/s relationship -they should be a given- trust and honesty.

Without honesty there can be no trust. A submissive is putting her heart and her safety into a Dominant’s hands. She has to be able to trust Him completely. Now i am speaking from a female’s viewpoint as i am a female but it is the same regardless if you are a male sub or in a MM or FF relationship. If he is dishonest, hides things, how can you trust him? If he breaks your contract or puts anyone besides family and his job ahead of you, how can you lay your love and submission and trust at his feet?

The simple truth is you can’t. No matter how much it hurts, you have to accept that your love and submission does not mean as much to him as you need it to or that he led you to believe. No one’s wants or happiness outside of his family should come ahead of you. If you feel like your feelings do not matter – guess what? They probably don’t. If he has planted doubts in your mind and does not do anything to try to correct it, the plain hard facts is he doesn’t care.

I have had some subs come to me and tell me that their Master hides their relationship. The first thing i ask them -is it legitimate? Many have to hide this side of their life due to their job, or because they have family members that just will not understand. Do to that fact, you have to accept that he is never going to be able to claim you publicly as his sub. However, he should not hide you are a part of his life. If he wants your friends to know you are in a relationship but he hides it from his friends – you can it is so he is free to play.

If you have caught him cheating – hiding his relationships from you, telling you that you are his only one – then you have some decisions to make. Are you going to forgive him? Are you going to end it? If you chose to forgive him remember he is the one that broke that trust and He is the one that has to work to earn your trust again. Just because you forgave him does not mean he is automatically trusted again. If he does not try to earn your trust again, obviously he does not think it is worth it. Think hard on your relationship and what you mean to him.

What do you do when you catch him cheating and being dishonest again? Are you going to forgive him again? The odds are he is never going to change and you have to decide if you can handle being treated like you are unworthy of his respect. And this where you have to decide if you are worthy of being shown love and respect or do you truly believe you do not deserve to be treated any better?

Now i am not going to let this be one-sided. The same goes for a submissive that does not show their Dominant the love and respect he deserves. If she is being dishonest, if you feel that you are not her priority -besides her family and job- then odds are you are right. Are you going to remain in a D/s relationship where the submissive is not showing her Dominant the love and respect that he deserves as her Dominant, then he needs to let her go. If she hides your relationship for reasons other than what i mentioned above – then odds are, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

The simple fact is, it is very hard to end a D/s relationship. There is a connection there that is unlike any vanilla relationship i have ever been in. I understand that it can be so very painful to think about ending such a powerful relationship. But be honest with yourself – if the relationship hurts more than it builds you up- if you feel that you are not enough, and talking about it with your partner does not fix the problem – how much more could you really hurt? ~kayngel Hatcher~

Sub vs Slave

Many times there are questions of the difference between a sub and a slave. The following will try to explain each as simply as possible. I will use ‘she’ for sub/slave as I explain and he for the Dominant for simplicity’s sake.

Submission As a sub there is a broad range of submission that you can fit into and still be a sub. You and your Dominant may be completely satisfied with your submission beginning and ending at the bedroom door so to speak. On the other end of the spectrum, you are submissive to the Dominant in and out of the bedroom. At the heart of submission is the choice to submit and the option to say “No”. The submissive decides how much control she will give to her Dominant and what aspects of her life she will surrender to the Dominant’s command. Submissive power exchange is about choice: about the option to decide how one feels about a demand and what one is going to do about it. At any point that the sub is not comfortable with this arrangement, it is within her rights to say “No, I’m not going to do that”, and this becomes a signal to the couple that they need to renegotiate something. It does not completely destroy the power dynamic between them .A submissive chooses to submit and has the option to say “no” to a Dominant’s command.

Slavery How, then, does consensual slavery differ from submission? First and foremost, slavery hinges upon a commitment to obedience. The slave does not revisit issues such as “should I submit?” or “How do I feel about that? Will I say yes or no?” When a Dominant order is issued, whether or not the slave agrees with it, she is obedient in the same manner that a soldier is who in the Army

Secondly, in consensual slavery a person gives themselves over to the control of another as completely as is humanly possible. This means a high degree of obedience. This is where many of the people in the lifestyle have a split in opinions about slaves. Many say that the slave must live with or near their Master – ready to serve at any time. (This does take in consideration kids and work.)Many do not believe that a slave can live with even a vanilla mate. They cannot serve online as a slave because, simply put, you are not available at all times for the Master. You can say that you are doing something he commands and not really be doing it…it is role-play in many lifestylers eyes. I am not here to settle that argument or even give my opinion either way on it. This decision is between you and your Dominant.

Simply put, while both slaves and submissives are often fondly referred to as “property”, in the sense of consensual slavery the slave becomes literally (by mutual agreement) the property of the Owner. A slave commits to obey. A “No” from a slave is a terminal deal-breaker in a way that it is not for a submissive.~kayngel Hatcher~

Japanese Bath

There are two versions of a Japanese Bath that I have found useful. The first one that I am going is faster and can be used if your time is limited. The second one is more time-consuming but well worth it.

The first thing you will need is to make sure you have a shower and a bath tub. It makes the Bath run a lot more smoothly. You will need plenty of towels and wash cloths, loofahs, and even a stool for the shower would be a nice addition. Herbal shampoos and body washes that the scents appeal to your Dominant are a special treat. For the longer Japanese bath, I like to include lots of candles. Play relaxing, soothing music through both of them to help your Dominant relax even more.

Bath 1

Make sure the scene is set before leading your Dominant to the Bath. It is best that you are nude or wearing as little as possible as you will be getting extremely wet. The music is on softly in the background. All your needed amenities are set out and a hot bath is run. Help your Dominant remove all of his/her clothing. As little effort on their part is the best.  Keep your voice soft and as soothing as possible throughout the bath.

Lead him (for the sake of writing I am using him for the Dominant) to the shower. Here is where the stool will be extremely handy. It would also be very handy to have a handheld shower head.  Wash and condition his hair thoroughly, making sure to keep the soap out of his eyes. With your first wash cloth, clean his face. If he has a beard, use the same shampoo and conditioner on it that you used on his hair. Use a different wash cloth and/ or loofah to clean the rest of his body thoroughly. Make sure all of the day’s dirt and grime is removed using his favorite soap/body wash. You can have him stand as you complete this action. But be sure he can brace himself on your shoulder or on a handrail. As I said, an herbal scent that is relaxing is the best. Rinse him thoroughly.

At this point, help him into the bath, ensuring that it is hot but not too hot. If he has any body aches from a hard day at work, you can add Epsom salts to the bath, but nothing else. The soak is just for relaxing.  At this point, you can join him if he would like and there is room, sitting behind him for him to rest against, or kneeling in front of him where you can maintain water temperature and have better access to him.

Make sure he has his favorite drink at hand – but limit the amount of alcohol due to the heat of the bath because this can lead to dehydration. I would recommend an herbal tea if he likes them. If you are behind him, massage his temples and head down to his shoulders. Work should not enter the conversation unless he just truly needs to get something troubling out of his system. This should be strictly relaxation. If you are in front of him, you can still rub his temples, head and shoulders, but make sure he has a bath pillow or roll of towels behind his head. Work your way down his arms and chest…light touches meant to be pleasurable. You can work further down his body to his legs if it pleases him, but if at all possible keep it as nonsexual as possible.

When he is ready to leave the bath, you leave first and assist him out of the bath. Dry him thoroughly. If he likes it you can use a softly scented lotion (I even like Hemp lotion) all over him. The gentle touch of your hands will further soothe him. Help him into his favorite robe or whatever he prefers to lounge in. At this point you can then dry off and slip into a robe, etc.

Lead him to wherever he wants to rest before worrying about straightening the bathroom. Give him a drink to enjoy while you do so. The rest of your night can go from there. I would not recommend alcoholic drinks if there is going to be any scening afterwards simply because I do not believe in mixing alcohol and scenes.

Bath 2    

Have all the same amenities listed above and during this one you can include the candles if you did not earlier.

Lead him first to the shower and complete a quick rinse of the daily grime from his body. The bath is to be kept as clean as possible. After you have rinsed him completely, help him into the bath. This is just to soak and let the heat from the bath open his pores and relax him. Keeping the conversation light, do your best to make sure the soak is as pleasant to him as possible. Epsom salts only in the bath here as well because you do not want anything but natural minerals in the water. You may be able to find other bathing minerals that you can use where you find your other natural herbal products.

Help him rise from the bath. Remember you are his support through this. Lead him to the shower and give him the thorough shower that is described in Bath 1. Make sure all soaps and shampoos are thoroughly rinsed away. After he is completely clean, check the temperature of the bath, adding more hot water as needed. Remember, although you are reusing the bath, there should be no dirt or soap in the water.

At this point, you give him the same gentle massage that you gave him in the first bath. A cool drink and maybe even some light fruit (if he would like, but not necessarily needed or recommended). When he is thoroughly relaxed…and at this point could be nearing sleep…assist him from the bath and give him the same treatment mentioned in Bath 1.

Both of these, and especially the second one, can be tiring for you until you get accustomed to it, but knowing you have given your Dominant such a relaxing and calming treat makes it worthwhile.

(And who knows, if you are especially good, he may reward you with the same treatment on occasion *devilish grin*)

Dealing with an Online/ Long Distance Relationship

one of the first poems that i wrote. It came from my heart for t

one of the first poems that i wrote. It came from my heart for the Master that i was in an online relationship with,

It is becoming more and more popular to have online/long distance relationships – mainly due to social media making it easier to meet other people in the lifestyle. However, as easy as it is to start an online/long distance relationship, it is just as hard to maintain it and find satisfaction for both parties.

Many think it is easier for the Dominant. They can direct the submissive to complete certain tasks, which does make a submissive feel useful to the Dominant when they cannot be there with the Dominant. They can have the submissive do certain acts – including flogging and spanking themselves. They can direct the submissive to complete punishments such as standing in the corner, writing, or holding a coin against a wall with their nose just to name a few. Yes the Dominant gets pleasure from this – and the submissive gets the satisfaction from doing as the Dominant asks.

Many times you will hear submissives say that they do not get the pleasure of just letting go and letting the Dominant take control. The submissive has to remain in control to complete the things the Dominant directs. So yes there is a lack of complete satisfaction for the submissive. However, you have to look at the effect this has on the Dominant also. The Dominant does not get the satisfaction of actually wielding  the flogger, paddle, etc. The Dominant does not get the satisfaction of actually delivering the pain and pleasure to the submissive that they own. Neither gets the satisfaction of feeling the touch of skin to skin. I think you get my meaning.

Communication and trust is so very important. You have to trust that someone you are not with is being honest about their faithfulness. It is not as easy to find out about their “extracurricular activities” when you are hours and many miles apart. You have to trust that each of you are doing as you say you are in a scene – except when you are skyping.

Time differences can make it harder to have time together online. I know of couples that are several time zones apart. The first person that introduced me to the lifestyle was 5 hours ahead of me. To have time together there was many times he or I was up at 2 AM – whether i was getting up early or he was staying up late. It made it very hard. But when we set times to talk – barring something unavoidable coming up – we were always there for each other. Eventually that relationship ended, but i learned a lot about the lifestyle through him.

Some couples only get to see each other every few months – maybe only once or twice a year.But with love and dedication to each, they make it work. Yes there are issues – issues they would not have if they were closer to each other. But open and honest communication gets them through these times.

I am not trying to talk anyone out of an online or long distance relationship. Just wanting to let you know that there are going to be more bumps in the road than a “regular” relationship. And to let you know, that they can be well worth the extra effort that each of you have to put in to make it work

We Are Not Damaged

We Are Not Damaged

I know that there are many people who think that we that practice a BDSM lifestyle are damaged.  Or for the ones that live a poly lifestyle, that it is wrong and need to be saved from their self-destructive ways. They are wrong, so very wrong. We are normal, productive people who happen to have different needs and desires than the average person. I would like to address these topics here.

First, I would like to address the BDSM lifestyle and the people who practice it. We are not this way because we have been abused as a child. Yes there are Dominants that were abused, but there are many that had a completely normal, happy childhood. And looking at the abuse side of it, most people that abuse do not practice this lifestyle. To be a Dominant, you must have control of yourself…an abuser does not. Contrary to 50 Shades of Grey, a Dom is not that way because he had an abusive childhood. He/she is simply a Dominant personality that had a tragic upbringing and overcome it. So do not try to save him. He does not need saving if he is a true Dominant.

As for a submissive – male or female – it is a part of who they are. Once again it is the same thing,  they are submissive DESPITE being abused not because of it. I have been in abusive relationships –as a child and in a vanilla relationship. I have also had a bad Dom, when I was first entering this lifestyle. What all three of those had in common was the fact that it made me feel less than everyone else. I felt beat down, not worthy of love.

I have had two wonderful Dominants since then. The difference is black and white.  I was built up, encouraged, cherished. Their treatment of me made me want to give them more…to be a better submissive. They value (d) my submission and me and encouraged me to be a better person – in the lifestyle and in the vanilla world. My self-confidence grows every day. That is what my Sir gives me with his love and dominance.

As far as poly relationships – they have been around forever. Today’s culture looks down on them, but it is because they do not understand the love that is in these relationships. I know a man in RL that is married to two women and has kids with both. You could not ask for happier people. The children are loved and well-adjusted. Something that is hard to find in many kids today. However, these two women both know that they are loved by their husband. They care for each other and help each other. The kids know that they are loved and know that each of them are treated the same. They are loved and adored by all three parents. It is a joy to see in this day and time when kids are often mistreated and abandoned.

So remember, just because you do not understand something does not make it wrong. Just because someone lives a lifestyle that you do not understand, does not make it wrong. Take the time and try to see that they are healthy and happy. They are fulfilled and well-adjusted. Just as with so many people – they may be different, but they are not damaged. ~kayngel~