This is something that has bothered me for quite a while. I have seen so many people that are lonely hop into BDSM relationships with both feet without having a clue about what the lifestyle truly is. They do not take the time to learn the basics of the lifestyle, nor even to figure out what it is that they want and need in the lifestyle. Thanks to a certain movie/book series, they think that a Dom is just going to walk into their life and if he says he is a Dom then he must be and they should follow without question. Some of them also think they can enter into a D/s relationship, agree with what the Dominant tells them they need, and then get them to give it up because they don’t like it/want it/need it. I am sorry but all of this is just wrong. I am going to discuss many of the situations that i have seen in the past few years, why it is wrong/dangerous, and my opinion of these situations. Remember, this is MY opinion.
The person that has not had a relationship in 10-15 years, suddenly realizes they are submissive.
I am not sure what made them realize this, so i am not going to assume to know. I will take their word for it. However, they make the mistake of agreeing to submit to the first person that comes along and demands their submission. I know, I know, this should be a red flag right there, but because they did not take the time to research and learn what the lifestyle is, they think this is the way it is done. They are involved with someone who abuses them mentally and even physically, but they don’t want to lose the relationship because it is the first one they have had in many years. All they want to know is what they can do to be a better submissive so that they do not make their Dominant mad. No matter what advice is given to them, no matter what is pointed out as being abusive/red flags, their only focus is not losing this relationship. These people will pull away from the ones trying to help them because having someone, anyone in their life is more important than their safety.
The person that discovers the lifestyle while being in an unhappy marriage.
There are usually two ways that this one goes. The person either tries to make their spouse change, they look for a relationship outside of the marriage or they leave their spouse because the spouse has failed them. Wait, failed them? How have they failed? Did the spouse change? Did the spouse’s wants and needs change to something that the person could not meet? If the unchanged spouse is the same person that the newly discovered lifestyler married, then how have they failed? They haven’t. Stop saying they have. You changed. Your wants and needs changed (or you think they have because how do you truly know if you have never experienced the lifestyle?)
You have the person that discovers they are either Dominant or submissive and wants to change their partner. I have not dealt much with the newly discovered Dominant who wants to make their spouse submit to them, because lets face it, especially with a man wanting to make his wife submit, they would be ran out of about everywhere. There would not be many supporters of a man wanting to tie up his wife and beat her or make her kneel at his feet and serve him. He would be labeled an abuser right from the start. Probably the same thing for a wife wanting to make her husband submit, or a gay or lesbian couple, but i would definitely say so for a man wanting to make his wife submit.
However, when a woman starts asking how to make their husband be their Dom, most people start having sympathy for her unhappy situation and begin telling her ways to make him do what she wants. Ummmm wait a minute, isn’t that Topping from the bottom? Isn’t that just as abusive as a Dominant trying to make their spouse submit? Yes it is. This newly discovered submissive is usually given the advice that if the spouse won’t submit to their will and be their Dom, then they should 1. leave them or 2. find them a Dominant outside of the marriage. And yes i said if the spouse won’t submit to the submissive’s will because that is what is going on. The new submissive thinks that kink is going to be what changes their life and make them happy and the spouse MUST change or they are wrong/a bad spouse.
I have seen where new Dominants and submissives make statements like ” my spouse would not submit/be my Dom so i lost all respect for them”. To me, this is some messed up thinking. You changed and started wanting something that many people outside of the lifestyle see as sick/deviant behavior, and YOU lost respect/fell out of love with your spouse. First of all i want to say, stop disrespecting the lifestyle that means so much to me by blaming it for you falling out of love/losing respect for your spouse. You did that on your own. If your spouse suddenly wanted to have an open marriage and you didn’t agree with it, would you feel like it was fair for them to blame you for them falling out of love with you? If your spouse cannot embrace this lifestyle – it is because it is not something they want or need. And to fully embrace this lifestyle it HAS to be something that you need in your life.
I will say to you, if your spouse is the same person that you married, if they are still a good provider, good to you and your children if you have them, then do not blame them because you changed. That is just wrong. You would not want anyone to go against your limits, but yet you are so willing to go against your spouse’s limits. And by trying to force them to do something that does not appeal to them, that is what you are doing. Period.
My final thoughts….
This lifestyle that i love so very much is not the answer to being alone or being lonely. You cannot submit to the first person that claims to be a Dominant and live happily ever after. Nor can you take the first submissive that you run across and everything be perfection. There is not a magical BDSM fairy that waves their wand and happiness is yours. D/s and M/s is still a relationship. It is harder to find that right person than in a vanilla relationship in my humble opinion because there are fewer of us.
This lifestyle that i love so much is not the answer to an unhappy, unsatisfying marriage. Sorry to tell you, but if you are unhappy or unsatisfied in your marriage, kink will not fix it no more than an affair would. Now i am not saying that if you speak to your partner about engaging in some kink – and they are willing- that it will not spice up your marriage because it probably will. Anytime you bring something new to your marriage it will do that. But if you have fallen out of love with your spouse, they could become the most perfect Dominant or submissive and after the newness of the experience has worn off, you still will not love your spouse. And truth be told, they could be the best Dominant or submissive in the world, and they still would not make you happy. Why? Because you were unhappy to start with.
Let me say that i am not saying that everyone that has discovered they are Dominant or submissive after being married for a long time is just looking for some excitement in their life because i am not. Many people do not realize what they want and need until later on in their life. And if after doing your research and learning what it is you feel in your heart that you need, you feel you need to explore the lifestyle to be happy, then that is what you need. Just be sure to put the responsibility where it needs to be – on you. I will not say “the blame” because no one is to blame in this circumstance. Just don’t blame your spouse because you changed and they didn’t. Don’t blame your spouse because you feel the need to explore something that does not appeal to them. Respect them for holding true to their beliefs, wants, and needs. Respect them even more if they try to give you what you want and need, but fail because it is not what they want and need.
Before anyone says that i must not understand what if feels like to be lonely, alone, or in an unhappy marriage – let me clear that up. I realized many years ago that i was no longer in love with my spouse. However, i stayed in the marriage for many reasons. He did not change, i did. He loves me, supports me in my life and career, and is a wonderful father. I love him for all of that. I respect him for all of that. The reason for my unhappiness and realizing i did not love him the way a spouse should had absolutely nothing to do with me being submissive. Me discovering the lifestyle came many years later. And i know that even if he would be willing to explore the lifestyle – which he would probably have me committed to a mental institution for – would not make me fall in love with him again. It just wouldn’t. I changed.