Month: May 2015

WCDT 3rd Birthday Celebration
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WCDT 3rd Birthday Celebration

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Whips, Chains, and Duct Tape has always been one of my favorite BDSM pages. I have been a fan from the very beginning of this FB page.

Click on the link below (or copy and paste into your browser if link doesn’t work)and go to the page and click the link  on each prize that you would like to win.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.594839333991350.1073741913.120736428068312&type=1

A Submissive with a Dominant Personality
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A Submissive with a Dominant Personality

Now i know many are going to say that this is not possible – or more than likely she/he must be a switch. How can a submissive have a dominant personality? She/he must be a fake or someone playing at the lifestyle. Wrong on all accounts and I will explain why.

Many people confuse a dominant personality with being Dominant. I see it so many times when people ask for advise on how to get their partner to be their Dom. One of the first things they say is that they know that their partner is a Dominant because of his personality. Unfortunately basing your search on what you see of someone in their everyday life will cause you a lot of pain and heartache.

I have always had to take charge of things in my everyday life. I have been a supervisor in a male dominated profession for the past few years. But as far as who and what i am at heart – I am a submissive. I have even been told that I was a natural slave. Although I have not had the opportunity to serve in real life as a slave – one day I hope to be able to. My peace, my happiness, my joy comes from serving my Dom. Seeing the pleasure my submission brings to him makes me want to give even more to him.

What some people seem to forget is that submissive does not mean weak, nor does it mean a doormat. It takes a strong person to serve – as any true Dominant will tell you. A weak spirited person could easily break under the pressure of serving a strong Dominant. It can be a disaster.

Many people with dominant personalities need the release of submitting to someone strong enough to take control and lead them. There are CEOs and presidents of businesses that have to be strong everyday at work that come home and lead the life of a submissive. It is quite the release and a wonderful feeling to have someone who you trust enough to just let go and give yourself completely to your Dominant.

I hope this helps just a little in explaining that dominant does not mean Dominant. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer them for you.

D/s Relationships and Outside Interference
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D/s Relationships and Outside Interference

i know what i am about to say is not going to be popular but it is how i feel…and it has been discussed in a couple of groups where it has proved by the comments that many people do believe in it.

The thing of the matter is no, we as subs should not be the ones correcting other subs publicly for whatever behavior seems hurtful. However, the Dominants should. So many times, as has been seen discussed on several groups – The Dominant will see the sub as not threatening – harmless. However, at any point in a relationship, if the Dominant makes his submissive feel like if he has to choose between HIS/HER submissive and the friend – the submissive will be the one that goes… in that moment, the friend is a problem. The Dominant has made his submissive feel like less…not worthy.

Now if your sub is jealous of every female (or male – according to the makeup of the relationship) that you are friends with, then there is an issue with her. She needs to have more faith in her/his Dominant. But never accuse your sub of being irrational in her/his behavior unless it is every single submissive that you are friends with…if it is only an occasional one, then the Dominant needs to be open to finding out why. Then decide – does he want the friend or does he want the submissive and act from there. Does the Dominant want a meaningful relationship with his submissive – or is it just a part-time relationship, that has no deeper meaning?

Also the Dominant needs to take in consideration – if another Dom behaved with his submissive the way this friend is behaving with the Dominant – would that Dominant be called out for poor behavior? 99% of the time the answer to that question is yes.Now this is just my humble opinion and i know many are going to disagree and i accept that.

Finding a Dominant Online
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Finding a Dominant Online

The following information can be used for male or female sub, Dom or Domme. I use He for the Dom out of ease of use. Before beginning a search for a Dom, i recommend you searching yourself thoroughly. This lifestyle is not something to be taken lightly or without a lot of thought. You may find in searching your heart that what you need is a little kink added to the bedroom – that you do not need to serve someone or have a Dom on a regular basis. And that is fine, do not let anyone tell you differently. 

I recommend completing – and regularly updating – a BDSM checklist. It will help you identify things that you are willing to try, things you may be willing to try andthings that are just a no go – your hard limits. You can find one at  http://sweetsurrender.org/list.html and if you see something that you do not understand or know what it is, don’t just guess, mark it NA and ask questions about it or look it up.

Your next step is to make a profile on one of the many social websites that are available to the BDSM community: fetlife, collarme, etc. Do not post anything that you do not want seen all over the internet. However, be completely honest in describing yourself, your wants and needs, your experience. Never hide anything in this regard because it will just bring you problems down the road.

This is not going to be an overnight thing. Have patience. There is going to be a lot of riff raff and wanna bes before you even find a likely prospect. Do not give up hope. This is a search you do not want to rush. Remind yourself that you are worth the wait and anything worth having is worth the time.

When you find someone who seems like a potential Dom, take your time getting to know him and let him get to know you. Ask questions – LOTS of questions. Take notes of his answers so when you ask a question again you can compare his answers. If he is a true Dom he will not mind taking it slow and answering questions. If he gets pushy about getting a picture (especially nude) or wanting to meet before you are ready, politely back away. Also if he says any of the following, politely end this conversation and continue your search for a true Dom:

* Address me as Master/Daddy/Sir, etc (these are titles that must be earned)

* You are asking too many questions, i will tell you what you need to know about me when and if i want to.

*My past relationships have no bearing on our relationships.

Ask about his experience and his past relationships: how long has he been in the lifestyle, how many D/s relationships has he had, does he mind if you speak to some of his past subs if it looks like this is going to work. Pay attention to what he says about his previous subs. If he never has anything good to say about them, if all of the breakups were their fault, etc – back away. Just as in vanilla relationships, all of them do not end badly nor is it always the fault of one party. If it appears that he blames the sub all of the time, you can bet one of two things 1. He does have a clue at how to pick a sub and or 2. He is more than likely the problem.

Find out what his needs and wants are – deal breakers: things that he needs to have in a relationship for him to be happy and satisfied. If his needs are not compatible with yours, there is no use going any further, it is not going to work. Let him know politely that you just do not think a D/s relationship is going to work because your needs don’t mesh. This will save both of you a lot of disappointment and who knows, you may have found a friend that can be a source of advice down the road.Let him know before you ever meet (and again after meeting) any phobias, fears, traumas, and abuse you may have experienced. If you were abused, molested, raped – it is all important. Even if you have had therapy there is always the chance of a flashback. If he knows he will be aware of any problems that you may experience during a scene and be prepared to deal with it. It is not going to scare him away, but if you freak out during a scene and he finds out you hid this from him, you may well lose a wonderful Dom.

You have gotten to the point that you are ready to meet. Still make sure you are safe. Arrange for your first meeting(s) in a public place. Make sure someone knows where you are and that you will call them when you leave. I had no qualms about making that call right in front of the Dom i met so he knew that someone would be waiting to hear from me. I did not tell them i was meeting with a Dom…just called to let a friend know that i was shopping but that i would call her back later to see if she wanted to meet for drinks and dinner. Bases covered. Continue meeting in public places until you feel like you are ready to go further.

Once again make sure you discuss what both of you are looking for. If either of you are looking for a loving, long-term relationship and the other is looking for a play partner, someone is going to get hurt. He may be a Dom but he still has feelings and both of you need to be on the same playing field. I found it very helpful to ask many of the same questions that i had already ask. I would rather he be aggravated than me not to feel completely safe.

Well you have gotten to the point that you are ready to go to the next level. Make sure both of you KNOW your safe words – examples but does not have to be used :red = STOP, yellow = caution, i am about at my limit, or i need a break, green= i am fine, continue. Whatever words you agree upon, make sure you can remember them and so can he.  have him show you the toys and implements that he is going to use so you can be familiar with them and what they feel like. For my first time, he left me unrestrained and no blindfold so that i could feel even more safe. But that is all left up to the two of you. Make sure he knows how much time that you have so that he can end the scene with enough time for aftercare. Aftercare is a must and there should be ample time for it. I personally would never schedule for less than 6 hours.

If at any time – from talking online and on the phone, to meeting, to the actual scene – you do not feel safe, something does not feel right, you intuition screams that it is wrong- heed it. Always trust that inner voice. I always practice MA1 (My A$$ First) when it comes to my safety and well-being and so should you.

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The Drops

Jen of WCDT

Having sub-drop is not easy no matter what is going on in your life. Even if you have a support group, and great aftercare it can still happen. The best way to get through this is to be prepared, know the signs and communicate to your Dom/me.

There is a ton of information on varies sites about aftercare, aftercare kits etc…but not much about a sub-drop kit. Please don’t forget that sub-drop can happen to anyone, no matter how well you communicate or how great the aftercare was.

Let’s start off by discussing what your body goes through during a BDSM scene. Your body goes through many changes because of the pleasure and the pain throughout the scene. Your body’s natural reaction is to release epinephrine from the adrenal glands, as well as endorphins and enkephalins. This produces a trance like state, where our pain tolerance is higher and we…

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Knowing Yourself and What You Are Looking For
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Knowing Yourself and What You Are Looking For

I know that I have stressed that the first thing that you should do is make sure that you are compatible before jumping into a D/s relationship. However there is a step that I have left out and I need to address it now.
There are so many young women (and men) stepping into the lifestyle, which is a wonderful thing. I wish that I had someone introduce me to the lifestyle when I was a lot younger. I would not have missed all the time that I missed. But such is life.

The thing I want young submissives to think about before even beginning to look for a Dominant is what kind of experience do you want your Dominant to have. I would hope that an experienced level-headed Dominant would be what every sub is looking for, but I am afraid that is not the case.

The reality that some seem to be missing is that if you are in your early 20s, you are either going to have to settle for a Dominant that is fumbling his way through – learning about relationships in general, not counting the D/s aspect of it, or choose someone older than you would normally date.

I do not think some have actually thought this through. There mentality is – ‘I am 22 so I do not want anyone over 25, but I want an experienced Dom to lead me as I learn this lifestyle.’ Stop right there and think. You are 22 and have little to no knowledge about the lifestyle – how do you expect someone your age to have any more than you do?

There is nothing wrong with choosing a Dominant with little experience so that you can grow together if that is what you want. However, you must accept that he/she is learning and going to make mistakes – a lot of them (just as you are) – and you can’t get upset because he/she is not Dominating you in a way that you want or even need.

I know that there are going to be newer Dominants (5 yrs or less) that are going to take offense to what I am saying – and for that I am truly sorry. However, the simple fact is – if a submissive wants and needs a Dominant with lots of experience in this lifestyle (not 15 relationships in 15 months – still just 15 months) then they are going to have to reach outside of their normal age dating age group. Lets face it – if you want a Dominant that has 20 years experience you can’t choose a 30-year-old.

I know dating an older man or woman will leave you answering some questions – especially if you have always dated someone your own age. However, that is something you are going to have to face. The one good thing about me coming into the lifestyle at a later age (early 40s), is that I did not have to worry about me choosing someone in their 50s – even early 60s.

I am not suggesting that you find a Dominant in their 50s or 60s. I am just saying that you may have to look at someone 10 years older than yourself. Also keep in mind that just because someone is in their 30s or 40s, it doesn’t mean that they are experienced in the lifestyle – they could have gotten a late start also. This is just something else for you to think about BEFORE you start looking for a Dominant.

The lifestyle is going to be here – so take your time. Get to know yourself, your wants, needs, and expectations. Think long and hard about what you want to get from your relationship.

  • Do you want just a D/s relationship with no further emotional involvement? Or do you want it to be a long-term love based D/s relationship?
  • If you want just a D/s relationship, do you want sex to be involved? (yes there are many that do not involve sex)
  • Can you accept a poly relationship or must it be monogamous?
  • How much experience do you want your Dominant to have? Are you willing to learn as your Dominant learns the lifestyle?
  • Do you want him/her to have had long-term relationships with other submissives?  (Wanting to speak to former submissives is not unusual in this lifestyle and shows that you are protecting yourself. A true Dominant will not be upset over this request.)
  • What exactly are you looking for in your Dominant? Are you looking for a Dom/Domme that may eventually become your Master/Mistress? Are you looking for a Daddy or a Mommy? You will only know what you are looking for if you know yourself.

I am not saying that you will never get hurt in a D/s relationship. Emotions become involved and just as with every relationship, there are going to be ones that do not work. But knowing what you are looking for will help prevent getting involved in a relationship that is just not going to work.

Making clear to a potential Dominant that you are new is something that is very important also. Not only will he/she know that there are may things that you do not understand and that they are going to have to explain in a little more detail, but they will also know that as you grow, there is a very good chance that your pain levels are going to change. Starting out in the lifestyle you are probably not going to know if you are a masochist, but it may be something you come to realize and if you are not with a Dominant that is capable of being a Sadist, you are going to have to make hard decisions. Knowing you are new, hopefully your Dominant will understand this and even help vet a new Dominant.

In closing, read as much as you can (NOT Romance/Erotica), ask yourself what it is you think you want and need, read some more. Ask questions of people who live the lifestyle and guess what? Read and do more self inspection.

I can’t guarantee that this will keep you from getting hurt, or that you will find the perfect Dominant right out the gate, but I assure you, you will be glad that you took the time to know your self a little better.