If there is anything that i would like to pass on to others – it is safety first. I know that sometimes our hearts try to overrule our heads and it can put us in bad situations. Many people who go from one abusive relationship – vanilla or lifestyle is because of our need for love and acceptance. It is even worse when we want a strong Dominant and we let his sweet words overrule our common sense and before we realize what has happened – we are right back in am abusive relationship.

I always encourage people to get to know someone as much as possible before playing with them. A true Dominant will have no issue giving you the time you need to become comfortable with him/her. A true Dominant knows that until you can completely trust them – scenes will not be as fulfilling as they can be. Ask all the questions you need to ask. It is YOUR life and safety after all.

If you are meeting someone who you have met online, there are many things that you should do for your own safety – regardless of whether you are meeting a man or a woman. Women can be abusers also.

• Either take someone with you when you meet with them – in public – or make sure that you have a safe call. Call this person when you arrive at the meeting place – i  prefer right in front of the person you are meeting with. That way someone knows that you have arrived where you were going. You do not have to tell your safe call that you are meeting a Dominant. Just make sure that someone KNOWS that you are going to be calling them back.
• After you have gotten comfortable with them online, take the time to make a list of questions you would like the answers to. Do not worry about the amount of questions. Write down everything that you can think of that will help you get to know him/her better.
• Make sure you write down to ask them about previous relationships –  vanilla and lifestyle. Ask for names of people that they have been in relationships with. If they will not give you any, this is a huge red flag. If they say that they have been in the lifestyle for many years, but cannot give a reference – either they are lying about their experience or they are really abusers. There is always a sub or even a vanilla partner that will give a good recommendation for a true Dominant.
• Write down the answers they give you…you will need to go back over the answers when you are alone. The answers may lead to more questions and that is good.
• If you filled out a BDSM Checklist – discuss it with them. See if you limits, wants and needs are compatible. There is no good in proceeding if you are a little and he is a Sadist.
• Call your safe call AFTER you have left the meeting and are on the road.
• Trust your gut more than your ears and heart. We usually get ourselves in trouble because we tend to ignore intuition. If something feels off – then it probably is.

Meet with them until you are sure that you are comfortable with them – or if you do not feel things were as they should have been – let that be the last meeting. Any relationship can be dangerous – but you are trusting someone to put you in situations that can be really dangerous if they do not know what they are doing or they are abusers. No matter your desire for a Dominant – your safety must come first.

And as a last word for the Dominants looking for subs. Be safe also. To put it bluntly there can be some dangerous people in the guise of subs. They can become obsessive and possessive in a manner that can be detrimental. If they appear to desperate and needy – slow things down. A sub must be strong to serve as they should. Now that is not saying they should be bossy and overbearing in their attitude during the meeting, but they should not be willing to call you Master after talking with you a few minutes online – willing to do anything you ask. There are too many now that have a romance novel view of what the lifestyle is and have not taken the time to figure out what they want and need before attempting to find a Dominant.

I know that it may seem like i am telling you to treat this as a job interview – cold and unfeeling. And maybe in a way it is. But there is plenty of time for scenes and developing the relationship further – plenty of time to become collared – when you have found the right person for you.

I am not sure if all will understand what I am about to write, but it I am sure many of you will. My collar is more to me than just a piece of jewelry or a representation of BDSM. My collar is a solid representation of my Sir’s loving hand on me. It represents our bond – our love.

He has been my friend, Mentor, and now Sir. He and his subs welcomed me with open arms and hearts into their family. As some of you have already read, one of His subs held my hand while He collared me. At that moment I felt like I was truly  His. His collar around my neck solid proof for the world to see – even if they do not know what it represents.

I cannot spend much time with my Sir due to my family and my job. It is a painful thing but a fact of life. We speak every day and cherish every moment that we do have together. Every time we are together, I know I am looking into the eyes of a Man that truly loves and cherishes me. I am more than blessed.

When we are not together, I often find myself reaching to the collar around my neck. In times of stress, aggravation, sickness – it is there to remind me of His love for me…..of His Dominance and Protection. When I touch it, I am reminded that no matter what I face – He is there. He is supporting me, giving me strength, encouragement, love. I know it may sound simple and silly to some – but for the ones of you that touch your wedding rings during times of stress – it is the same thing.

I know that some may want a collar for the sake of a collar. Others want one as a show of the fact that they are in the lifestyle. As naked as i feel without a collar around my neck – as lost as i may feel as a submissive – I still need for a collar to be a representation of a loving, uplifting relationship. Anything else is simply a piece of jewelry.

I do not mean to offend anyone with what i said here – this is just what I feel for ME. This is just how I feel about the collar that was placed around my neck. Each person has to do what is right for them. I just needed to share with you what my collar represents in my heart and soul.

I guess being in a poly relationship is not easy for some to understand. Many do not see how you can love more than one person at a time. Others wonder how jealousy is handled. These are the top two questions that I hear. I am sure there are a lot more, and I will do my best to try to answer any that I get.

Since I first got involved in this lifestyle, I have been in poly relationships. It is truly the only way I know. My first hurdle was accepting that a person’s heart was big enough to love more than one person. We love multiple people in every other type of relationship we have so why is it so hard to accept that you can love more than one person romantically? It really was a *facepalm* moment for me.

There are many in this lifestyle that truly love their vanilla spouses/partners, but also love their Dominants/submissives. It is a complicated, but many do make it work. Others are left with hard decisions to make, having realized that they were Dominant or submissive long after marriage. But that is a topic for another article.

My first Master was online. He had a real life slave that treated me very well. He also had part – time subs that I did not have any contact with. I did not go into that relationship with love in my heart for Him, but with much respect. Of course – as is typical with many submissives- I did grow to love Him.He treated me like I was very special to Him and He was always encouraging as I learned my way under His guidance. Even when He had to punish me – it was done with care and for my growth and development. He is still a dear and respected friend to me. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

As I grew, I found another Dominant that I truly loved and hoped to have a future with. Yes, he was married, but I was his only female submissive.  He welcomed the fact that I had bisexual desires and encouraged me to explore them. He did not condemn my needs and desires because he was bisexual also.

It was a bit complicated how our relationship developed. We started as friends but it grew from there. I knew he had male submissives besides being married, which I was good with as long as I was the only female sub. With the love that I had in my heart for him, that was something that I truly needed in our relationship. However, as time passed,  his need to have multiple subs brought an end to our relationship.

During the time we were together, he encouraged me to find a mentor to help me grow as a submissive. I was very nervous about this but with his encouragement, I finally reached out and found a most wonderful Mentor. For this I will always be grateful to my previous Sir.

My Mentor had two other subs, which was not an issue for me. I respected their place in his life, and since I only visited him on occasion – with prior approval from my Sir, I never really thought about it growing into anything more than him being my Mentor.It was always in the back of my mind that I was going to be with my Sir at the time.  I was welcomed by his subs, and I always made sure that I showed them the respect of their position in his life.

After my previous Sir released me, I was not sure when I was going to be ready for another relationship. I was completely devastated. However, I took my time and let my heart heal. My Mentor was very supportive to me during that time. He and his subs surrounded me with love and I began to blossom due to it.

When I was ready for a relationship again – it was natural to ask Him to be my Sir. He accepted my submission and I was once again in a loving poly family. I love both of his other subs as family, and they show me love and support through all the trials I have gone through. Yes, as the newest sub, I fully respect their place because they have been with him longer and deserve that respect.

He truly loves each of us. All three of us feel that love every day. He never lets a day go by that He does not let me know how much I mean to Him. He is completely open with all three of us. He does not play games nor tries to deceive either of us. When He collared me, one of His other subs was holding my hand. I felt completely surrounded by love. Because He is open and honest with us – there is no need for jealousy. It truly is a loving poly family. I am truly blessed.

And THAT is what you truly have to have for a poly family to work. There must be honesty between the members of the poly group. There are some poly groups that just have Lifestyle relationships – there is no love – just service. And that is fine too, but there must be honesty and trust. Without honesty – there is jealousy and mistrust. And without trust, the relationship is doomed to fail.

I am not saying that poly is for everyone, or that everyone should try it. Only the people involved in the relationship can decide what is right for them. And the simple truth is – even in a monogamous D/s M/s relationship – without honesty, there is jealousy and mistrust. It is not monogamy that makes a loving, trusting relationship, but openness and honesty between the people in the relationship.

This beautiful Ceremony is found in several different variations around the internet. You can modify it to make it your own special Ceremony. Many D/s and M/s couples that plan on marrying use a variation of this. It is not something to be done lightly. It is a bonding ceremony meant to bond you for life.

An Eternal Bond

Perhaps one of the most moving and meaningful is the “bonding ritual” or Ceremony of the Roses. This ceremony is steeped in symbolism and mystique that dates back for centuries. Here is a brief description of what it involves and means.

A couple who has decided to remain together for the duration of their lives and beyond will often opt for this ritual as a symbolic statement of their eternal commitment. It is sometimes used to renew a relationship that has gone through a difficult time and survived the test. There are many variations and couples often choose to add special touches to make it uniquely theirs.

The ceremony is never public. Most often only the couple and one or two of their closest associates attend. The submissive wearing a simple cotton dress carries a single white rose, not quite in full bloom. The Dominant dressed in black holds a single red rose that is opened almost fully. Both roses must have thorns on their stems and be freshly cut. To perform two other parts of this ritual, a 6-8 foot length of light chain is also required along with several candles or an alcohol burner (or other liquid fuel , such as a good serving dish might use).

The couple, along with one or two of their closest friends, stands facing each other.

With a thorn on the stem of his red rose, he pricks her middle finger and lets two drops of blood fall on the white petals of her rose.

She then offers the thorns of her rose to him and he pricks his own finger. He lets two drops fall to her rose, one alone and one on top of a drop of hers. The two then press their fingers together so that they are joined by blood.

Their witnesses or person performing the ceremony takes a length of light-weight chain and pass it quickly though the flame and wrap it around the couple.

The Dominant is then asked if he wishes to take this submissive as his own. The submissive is then asked if she is willing to obey her Dominant and to do as he commands of her. The chain is removed and wrapped carefully in a cloth to be given to the couple when the ceremony has ended. The roses are touched together, letting the blood from hers kiss his, and are then exchanged.

The dominant then removes the training collar. He passes the permanent collar quickly through the flame and then places it on her neck. These shows to all that she is now fully owned by him and him alone. With accepting the new collar the Dominant now becomes her Master for life.

The Symbolism Revealed

 The significance of the roses: The white rose, still not in full bloom, symbolizes her submission. The white color represents the purity of her gift, while the still slightly closed petals show that her submission has not come into full bloom. It never will. Submission is ever-deepening, ever-growing and the submissive will never reach a place where she cannot open a bit more for her Dominant.

The red rose, almost fully open, signifies his dominance. The red represents his passion and desire to possess and protect her at all costs, though it may require him to spill his blood to do so. The rose is almost in full bloom to symbolize that he is ready and mature enough to accept the responsibilities required of him.

The significance of the petals: The mixture of the petals signifies the mixing and blending of their lives. Couples often keep them in a decorative jar, once the petals have dried completely. Upon death, a portion of those petals are placed with the body to show a bond that will extend beyond the grave. Many legends are told of roses that have sprung up on the graves of couples who have loved so strongly during their physical lifetime that even in death they sent back evidence of their everlasting love in the form of roses that bloom again on the graves.

The significance of the blood: Pricking the finger of the submissive is symbolic of taking her virginity. She has shed blood to give herself completely to him. The drops on the white rose also speak of the same thing.

In pricking his own finger, the dominant shows his willingness to shed his blood to protect and defend her by virtue of his ownership. The drops on her rose show that vividly; the drop that falls on her blood covers it and blends with it, thus indicating their union.

Pressing the wounds from the thorns together allows their blood to mix, joining them as strongly as their own family blood-lines. They are now of the same flesh and blood. Exchanging the roses is symbolic of their gift of themselves to each other

The significance of passing the collar through fire: In older times, the collar would have been made of metal and heated to a glow and plunged into cold water to temper it after it was burned of all impurities. This action symbolized the removing of all impurities from the circle of ownership provided by the Dominant. All outside influences are burned away in the heat of his desire to protect and defend his submissive. The tempering of the metal that takes place when plunged into cold water shows the strengthening of their commitment by submersion into the waters of life. Today we only symbolize this by passing the collar quickly though the flame, taking care not to damage it.

(Note: The use of an alcohol burner in place of a candle prevents any carbon residue from getting on the collar, although there will probably be none if the action is performed quickly enough.)

The significance of the chain: The chain is a series of links that represent all the events that have led them to be joined. Each one interlock with another to complete the chain. Passing it through the flame symbolizes the purification of all the events in their time together as well as their pasts. All bad things are burned away into forgetfulness and only the good remains.

Wrapping the chain around them gives a visual image of the binding together of two souls into one. This chain is never used for anything again, other than in a similar ceremony by the person who receives this chain as a gift. They are often passed down for decades or even centuries and are honored by those fortunate enough to receive such a gift.

A little is someone that enjoys spending time at a younger age and can be any age from a toddler to a preteen. They can also be male or female.

A baby girl does not have to act like they are a younger age. “Baby girl” can just be something that a Daddy Dom calls his submissive.

A Princess is a submissive that believes they should be pampered and spoiled and will do all they can to do to pamper their Dominant. Imagine a young girl that does everything they can to please their daddy because he spoils her rotten. She is Daddy’s good girl.

A brat is just what you think it is. Brats are disobedient and/or sarcastic. A brat is also called a SAM (Smart Ass Masochist). The brat acts like this because either the Dominant enjoys it, to get attention, and/or to get a spanking/whipping.

There may be times that you see more than one of these in a submissive – it is not unusual. You may even see a bit of a baby girl in a submissive that does not live the DD/lg lifestyle. There is a large part of me that is a baby girl. She peeks out at times when i need a little “extra”. Don’t be afraid of the little that may be inside you. Let her out- play, be pampered and cuddled, show the vulnerability that is a little. You will become stronger for it, imho.

So you crave a Dominant that instead of flogging you red, uses sensual objects to tease your senses while you are blindfolded and tied up? Pain is just not something that you need or want – but you still want to submit to a strong loving Dom? You wonder if you are really a submissive because you do not crave pain? Well guess what? You are a submissive.

There are different parts of BDSM – Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and  Sadism & Masochism. And truth be told, you can enjoy Bondage without the discipline. Domination & submission can exist without pain being involved. Many times with Daddy Doms and littles there is no pain, not even sex being involved. Does that make it any less of a D/s relationship? No not at all.

But for some reason there are people who believe that if a Dominant does not want to inflict pain on his submissive, then he is not a true Dominant. Obviously these people have not been teased and tormented with a wide variety of sensations until they beg for mercy. Nor have they witnessed a submissive reach a point of begging for mercy, almost – if not – using their safe word because they cannot take any more. Sensual Domination and submission can bring just as much pleasure for those that desire that as using a whip or dragon tail does for a Sadist and masochist.

Remember it is YOUR relationship. Getting to know each other and what each side wants and needs is what is important. No a sensual submissive and a Sadist are not going to get along – nor is a Sensual Dominant going to be able to please a masochist. If you find someone who meets your needs and that you are happy being with – don’t let anyone tell you that your relationship is not just as much a D/s relationship as any other.