I have found over the past few months there seems to be a very large number of people wanting to find a Dominant – more females than males – but it is a huge number of people. They come to BDSM groups and the first thing they are asking is how do i find a Dom, or better yet, how do i turn my boyfriend/partner/husband into a Dom. I do get the question about how to get my gf/partner/wife to be more submissive- but not as often. So this is something that i am going to address. Remember this is my opinion – although it is widely accepted as being true.
Meeting someone who is new or a fake
There are no shortcuts. There is no “plan” or trick to finding a Dom or sub. Just as with any relationship, it takes time and wading through the bad to find the good. You have to take the time to get to know each other, find out what each person is wanting from the relationship, and let it grow from there. If you find someone who wants to become your Dominant or sub after reading something you just said – run. There is going to be nothing but heartache from such a situation. I am not saying that by doing everything safely will prevent the heartache – but it can prevent a lot of it.
A “dominant” that wants to put a collar on you immediately upon meeting you or demands that you serve him without knowing you – RUN. This person knows absolutely nothing about the lifestyle and is only wanting someone to stroke his ego. Same with a sub that offers her submission to you without any discussions and negotiations. All they are wanting is a collar. Nine times out of ten you are going to be disappointed in someone like this. They are going to want the kinky sex and having someone claim them but is going to balk at anything that they do not consider fun.
There are so many out there now that are using the lifestyle as an excuse for their abusive behavior. They think that being overbearing, cruel, and uncaring is the way to be a Dominant. There is a huge difference in an overbearing, self-centered abuser and an experienced, firm, but caring Dominant. These people will not want you to use a safe word (will tell you it is not necessary). They will demand that you call them Sir or Ma’am or even Master or Mistress without any discussions. They will not want you to question their wants and needs – and definitely will not want you to speak to their previous subs or their friends. There is something to hide if they do not want you to find out anything about their past.
If you go ahead and get involved with these type people – they will do their best to cut you off from your friends and family. Many times they will try to make you completely dependent on them, They will become more and more abusive in their behavior and no matter what you do, you will not be able to please them. They will only show you affection when they are afraid of losing their play toy – not you in particular.
Believe it or not some of the “submissives” that are so desperate to have a Dom – any Dom – with no idea what it is to be a submissive, will not work at all. Expecting you to give them gifts, take care of them, give them all the kinky play they want without giving you anything in return. They have seen where the submissive holds the power in the relationship – which in many ways they do – and they think that the Dominant is supposed to do whatever they want, whenever they want. They will think that the Dominant is wrong to want to punish them for being out of line. And yes, i have read many questions where the brand new submissive thinks that a good experienced Dominant is not behaving a he should because he does not jump when she says so. Although you have a lot of power – the Dominant is still in control. When the Dominant sees that the new sub is not going to make any improvements in their behavior and dumps them – then he is wrong and cruel, etc.
And now the big topic – changing your partner
Time and time again, i get a message wanting to know – how do i change my husband or boyfriend into a Dominant. The simple truth – you can’t. Oh he may get a little satisfaction out of a little kinky play, but he is never going to be a Dom. I do not care how dominant he is in his everyday life – it does not mean he is meant to be a Dom. He may be better equipped to be a sub. Many submissives have a dominant personality in their day-to-day lives, but are subs – even slaves- in their heart. And the very simple fact of the matter is – why is it okay for you to try to make your partner a Dom/me when it does not appeal to him at all? Why is it okay for you to make them miserable for you to be happy? Why don’t you give up your BDSM desires and focus on being a wonderful vanilla lover and partner? Especially if you are married, you have a lot more at stake than just that. Is a marriage that you have been in – sometimes for many years – worth breaking up simply because you suddenly come to the conclusion that you are a submissive? In many cases, once you finally find out that the lifestyle is not all fun and games, but is also very hard work, you have destroyed your marriage and hurt someone who loves you very much for something that you really were not as interested in as you thought.
Think about it from this viewpoint. What if it was a Dominant man trying to force his wife/partner to be submissive? He is really a Dom, she had promised to try, but she just does not have it in her. He would be considered an abuser. Well, I know this is hard to accept – but if you are trying to force behavior on your husband/partner that is pleasing or appealing to him in any way – then you are abusing him and his love for you.
I do not mean you should not bring up the subject with your partner. By all means, talk to them about your wants and needs. If your partner seems receptive to the lifestyle (Dominant or submissive, give him or her a BDSM checklist that you have completed and give them a blank one to fill out. Then both of you negotiate what it is you are wanting, needing, willing to try to hard limits. Start slow and work up. If it is in them to be a Dominant or submissive it will come out. But not if you try to shove it down their throat.
A serious warning
Be aware of all the dangers and red flags that a fake can reveal when they do not think they are. Always be safe in your search for a Dominant or sub. There are many cases where people have been seriously injured or even killed by an abuser because they were in such a hurry to obtain a Dominant. And the warnings and red flags can apply to someone appearing to be a sub. They can put on a good act, and then when the get you, become abusive – maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. Once they feel they have you they can drop the mask they were wearing and the real person is revealed.
And the sad truth is – no matter how safe and cautious you are – you can still end up with a Monster instead of a Dom. You can take weeks getting to know them – you think – before you even consider scening together, and you can still end up being beat badly enough to be put into the hospital or even killed. I have seen it happen to male subs as well as female subs. Some of these Monsters are very good actors and can hide what they truly are. They know the right things to say and do. It is why I always advise to never allow yourself to be restrained until you have scened together a few times so that you at least have a chance of getting away if they do not honor your safe word. Once again that is just my opinion.
I am not trying to talk anyone out of trying to experience this lifestyle. Quite the opposite in fact. This lifestyle is a beautiful one. There is so much strength to be found in accepting your submissiveness or your Dominance. There is a closeness in being in a D/s relationship that i have never felt before. All I ask is that you not be in a hurry. TAKE IT SLOW. If it is meant to be it will, and if not, the real thing is just down the road. Take time to read and learn. You can find out a lot about yourself and what you want and need without having a Dominant or submissive. That way you will be more prepared to ask the hard questions, to negotiate for what you want and need, and most importantly – avoid the pain of finding out that what you thought was a dream is actually a nightmare.
A Submissive Heart 