The Desire to have a Dominant or Submissive

The Desire to have a Dominant or Submissive

I have found over the past few months there seems to be a very large number of people wanting to find a Dominant – more females than males – but it is a huge number of people. They come to BDSM groups and the first thing they are asking is how do i find a Dom, or better yet, how do i turn my boyfriend/partner/husband into a Dom. I do get the question about how to get my gf/partner/wife to be more submissive- but not as often.  So this is something that i am going to address. Remember this is my opinion – although it is widely accepted as being true.

Meeting someone who is new or a fake

There are no shortcuts. There is no “plan” or trick to finding a Dom or sub. Just as with any relationship, it takes time and wading through the bad to find the good. You have to take the time to get to know each other, find out what each person is wanting from the relationship, and let it grow from there. If you find someone who wants to become your Dominant or sub after reading something you just said – run. There is going to be nothing but heartache from such a situation. I am not saying that by doing everything safely will prevent the heartache – but it can prevent a lot of it.

A “dominant” that wants to put a collar on you immediately upon meeting you or demands that you serve him without knowing you – RUN. This person knows absolutely nothing about the lifestyle and is only wanting someone to stroke his ego. Same with a sub that offers her submission to you without any discussions and negotiations. All they are wanting is a collar. Nine times out of ten you are going to be disappointed in someone like this. They are going to want the kinky sex and having someone claim them but is going to balk at anything that they do not consider fun.

There are so many out there now that are using the lifestyle as an excuse for their abusive behavior. They think that being overbearing, cruel, and uncaring is the way to be a Dominant. There is a huge difference in an overbearing, self-centered abuser and an experienced, firm, but caring Dominant. These people will not want you to use a safe word (will tell you it is not necessary). They will demand that you call them Sir or Ma’am or even Master or Mistress without any discussions. They will not want you to question their wants and needs – and definitely will not want you to speak to their previous subs or their friends. There is something to hide if they do not want you to find out anything about their past.

If you go ahead and get involved with these type people – they will do their best to cut you off from your friends and family. Many times they will try to make you completely dependent on them, They will become more and more abusive in their behavior and no matter what you do, you will not be able to please them. They will only show you affection when they are afraid of losing their play toy – not you in particular.

Believe it or not some of the “submissives” that are so desperate to have a Dom – any Dom – with no idea what it is to be a submissive, will not work at all. Expecting you to give them gifts, take care of them, give them all the kinky play they want without giving you anything in return. They have seen where the submissive holds the power in the relationship – which in many ways they do – and they think that the Dominant is supposed to do whatever they want, whenever they want. They will think that the Dominant is wrong to want to punish them for being out of line. And yes, i have read many questions where the brand new submissive thinks that a good experienced Dominant is not behaving a he should because he does not jump when she says so. Although you have a lot of power – the Dominant is still in control. When the Dominant sees that the new sub is not going to make any improvements in their behavior and dumps them – then he is wrong and cruel, etc.

And now the big topic – changing your partner

Time and time again, i get a message wanting to know – how do i change my husband or boyfriend into a Dominant. The simple truth – you can’t. Oh he may get a little satisfaction out of a little kinky play, but he is never going to be a Dom. I do not care how dominant he is in his everyday life – it does not mean he is meant to be a Dom. He may be better equipped to be a sub. Many submissives have a dominant personality in their day-to-day lives, but are subs – even slaves-  in their heart. And the very simple fact of the matter is – why is it okay for you to try to make your partner a Dom/me when it does not appeal to him at all? Why is it okay for you to make them miserable for you to be happy? Why don’t you give up your BDSM desires and focus on being a wonderful vanilla lover and partner? Especially if you are married, you have a lot more at stake than just that. Is a marriage that you have been in – sometimes for many years – worth breaking up simply because you suddenly come to the conclusion that you are a submissive? In many cases, once you finally find out that the lifestyle is not all fun and games, but is also very hard work, you have destroyed your marriage and hurt someone who loves you very much for something that you really were not as interested in as you thought.

Think about it from this viewpoint. What if it was a Dominant man trying to force his wife/partner to be submissive? He is really a Dom, she had promised to try, but she just does not have it in her. He would be considered an abuser. Well, I know this is hard to accept – but if you are trying to force behavior on your husband/partner that is pleasing or appealing to him in any way – then you are abusing him and his love for you.

I do not mean you should not bring up the subject with your partner. By all means, talk to them about your wants and needs. If your partner seems receptive to the lifestyle (Dominant or submissive, give him or her a BDSM checklist that you have completed and give them a blank one to fill out. Then both of you negotiate what it is you are wanting, needing, willing to try to hard limits. Start slow and work up. If it is in them to be a Dominant or submissive it will come out. But not if you try to shove it down their throat.

A serious warning

Be aware of all the dangers and red flags that a fake can reveal when they do not think they are. Always be safe in your search for a Dominant or sub. There are many cases where people have been seriously injured or even killed by an abuser because they were in such a hurry to obtain a Dominant. And the warnings and red flags can apply to someone appearing to be a sub. They can put on a good act, and then when the get you, become abusive – maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. Once they feel they have you they can drop the mask they were wearing and the real person is revealed.

And the sad truth is – no matter how safe and cautious you are – you can still end up with a Monster instead of a Dom. You can take weeks getting to know them – you think – before you even consider scening together, and you can still end up being beat badly enough to be put into the hospital or even killed. I have seen it happen to male subs as well as female subs. Some of these Monsters are very good actors and can hide what they truly are. They know the right things to say and do. It is why I always advise to never allow yourself to be restrained until you have scened together a few times so that you at least have a chance of getting away if they do not honor your safe word. Once again that is just my opinion.

I am not trying to talk anyone out of trying to experience this lifestyle. Quite the opposite in fact. This lifestyle is a beautiful one. There is so much strength to be found in accepting your submissiveness or your Dominance. There is a closeness in being in a D/s relationship that i have never felt before. All I ask is that you not be in a hurry. TAKE IT SLOW. If it is meant to be it will, and if not, the real thing is just down the road. Take time to read and learn. You can find out a lot about yourself and what you want and need without having a Dominant or submissive. That way you will be more prepared to ask the hard questions, to negotiate for what you want and need, and most importantly – avoid the pain of finding out that what you thought was a dream is actually a nightmare.

Book List

This list is mainly  from the website called Society of Janus, although i have added some titles to it. It has some excellent educational material on the page for people trying to find their way in BDSM. I would advise anyone just starting out or just wanting to learn something new to visit.

Also remember, if you have a kindle you can download samples of many books. Also if you do not have a kindle you can download a Kindle Reader to your smart phone or computer.

There are many informative BDSM books that are not fiction, and this is just a sampling that leans heavily toward classics. Most are available on Amazon. You can buy the books new or used and some on Kindle on Amazon. You may also be able to find them used on EBay.

General BDSM

50 Shades of Curious 

by Bo Blaze, PCC

150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink

By Em and Lo

Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex

by Gloria G. Brame, Fireside

Consensual Sadomasochism: How To Talk About It and Do It Safely

by William A. Henkin, PhD. & Sybil Holliday, CCSSE, Daedalus Publishing

Different Loving

by Gloria Brame, Job Jacobs & Jon Brame, Villard Books

Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking

by Race Bannon

Living M/s, A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships

byDan Williams and Dawn Williams

The New Bottoming Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press

The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

by Philip Miller & Molly Devon, Mystic Rose Books

Sensuous Magic

by Pat Califia, Cleis Press.

SM 101

by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press

Dominance and Submission

Becoming a Slave

by Jack Rinella, Rinella Editorial Services

Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus

by Christina Abernathy, Greenery Press

The Loving Dominant

by John Warren, Greenery Press.

The Mistress Manual: the Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance

by Lorelei, Greenery Press

Partners in Power

by Jack Rinella, Greenery Press

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners

by Lady Green, Greenery Press

Impact Play

The Compleat Spanker

by Lady Green, Greenery Press

In Defense of Flogging

by Peter Moskos


by Joseph Bean, Greenery Press

Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning

by Janet Hardy, Greenery Press


Erotic Bondage Handbook

by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage

by Midori, Greenery Press

 Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage

by Lee Bridgett Harrington, Mystic Productions

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes- A Step by Step Illustrated Guide

by Two Knotty Boys and Larry Utley

Back on the Ropes

by Two Knotty Boys, Green Candy Press


 Coming to Power: Writing and Graphics on Lesbian SM

by Samois, Allyson.

Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and Serious Player

by Joseph Bean, Daedalus Publishing.

Urban Aboriginals: The Celebration of Leather Sexuality

by Geoff Manes, Daedalus Publishing.

Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men

by Bill Brent, Cleis Press

The Master’s Manual

by Jack Rinella, Daedalus Publishing.


The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-on Sex 

by Violet Blue

Anal Pleasure and Health: Guide for Men, Women and Couples

by Dr. Jack Morin, Down There Press

The Ethical Slut

by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press

The Family Jewels

by Hardy Haberman, Greenery Press

A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting

by Deborah Addington,

Greenery Press. No Kindle

LeatherFolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice

by Mark Thompson, Daedalus.

Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

by Tristan Taormina, Cleis Press

When Someone you Love is Kinky

by Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst, Greenery Press

Healthcare Without Shame

by Charles Moser

Play Piercing

by Deborah Addington, Greenery Press

Honor Among Subs

Honor Among Subs

Dominants have a code of honor: They will not go after another Dominant’s sub. If a submissive is owned and makes it clear that she/he is, the Dominant will go away. Many will not even make friends with a submissive without speaking to his/her owner. And many times you will see a true Dominant call out a fake Dom/player if that Dominant sees the fake harassing a submissive. There is respect and honor between Dominants.

Submissives on the other hand are a different kettle of fish. It seems like many of the submissives on Facebook and similar sites only want a Dominant that is in a relationship with another submissive. There are many Dominants here looking for submissives-kind good people who for one reason or the other do not have a submissive at the moment. And the hunting submissives will not give them the time of day. They only want the ones they see in another relationship. And what is even sadder, some of these hunting submissives are already in a relationship, but I guess they are only holding on to the one they have until they can trade him in for a newer model…*smh

And then you have the “submissives” that there only goal is to break up or cause trouble between the Dominant and submissive. They do not want the Dominant as their own – they just want to see if they can get him. It is a game to her. I have yet to understand what kind of pleasure a person can get from just causing trouble and hurting people.

IMO, we as submissives – male or female- should be looking out for each other. We are sisters/brothers in submission and we should be supporting each other. Now it may be different if a Dominant and submissive are into poly relationships. But even then, there should be a code of honor between the submissives because if the Dominant takes on the other submissive you will be sisters/brothers under that Dominants hand.

This behavior is seen in vanilla relationships also. Don’t get me wrong. It is prevalent in high school. But a submissive knows that the level of devotion to a Dominant is much, much deeper than you will find in most vanilla relationships. In most vanilla relationships the is a level of independence from the partner. Most do not submit to the other. And in knowing that a submissive gives her heart, mind, body and soul over completely to her/his Dominant, how can another submissive set out to willfully hurt their fellow submissive? Where is the honor and respect between submissives? Is this mainly an online problem or is it a problem in RL also? You see all the time on her lists of predator Dominants, but i have yet to see one for submissives that are just on the hunt – that have no respect for their fellow submissive, that there only goal is to break up relationships or to break strong Dominants. Maybe there should be one.

I know this has been a bit of a rant, but it seems that this is becoming more of a problem than it was. And I know many of you will say that the Dominant should be putting the trouble making submissive in her place – and this is true. But many of these hunting submissives are very good actors. The side they show to the Dominant is only what they want him to see- the whole time making the Dominant think that his submissive is being jealous for no reason. They will act like they are in need of his help, while flirting enough to not be obvious, but to make him think it is cute. And all during this time she is working to undermine the Dominant’s submissive – even purposely causing arguments with the established submissive to try to make it appear that the established submissive is picking on her. And then she will appear helpless enough to the Dominant that it ends up causing trouble between the established couple.

It seems that males tend to take things on face value more than females. They look at what is on the surface to them without digging any deeper. Women on the other hand have been practicing their craft since high school. They tend to be better at hiding their ulterior motives than men. And i am not saying that all women or all submissives are like that – by no means. There are many subs that will defend another’s relationship in a heartbeat. They will ostracize a trouble making hunting submissive until she knows that she is not welcome in the BDSM lifestyle…and this is how it should be…sister/brother submissives protecting each other….or at least it is IMHO

Red Flags

If anyone else thinks of any others, please leave a message and I will add them

  • Immediately trying to say there is a connection, before they even get to know you.
  • Fishing for how much money you make or trying to word around asking for money
  • Asking for pictures the first day/ early on while getting to know each other
  • Not getting to know your likes or dislikes.
  • Not asking your limits
  • If they keep you hid from others. This is not meaning keeping the D/s separate from vanilla life. Many times people have to hide this lifestyle for professional reasons or even from family that just would not understand the lifestyle choice. However, if they hide you from theirfriends in the lifestyle – there is something going on.
  • If you cannot be around Him/Her when they are with their friends because their ex is there.
  • If they push to meet faster than you are comfortable doing, or they push to scene before you are ready. Your submission is your gift to give and He/She has to earn it.
  • If you are new to the lifestyle and the Dominant is supposed to be experienced, and they spend more time punishing you, finding things wrong, downgrading you, that person is an abuser. This is not referring to any type play where both of you are agreeable to humiliation during scenes. A Dominant should build you up not tear you down. Yes you should be punished in some form for infractions, but if you spend more time in tears than smiling, this is not a healthy relationship for you.
  • If a “Dominant” ever disregards your safe word or hard limits.
  • If they tell you that you have to “earn” the right to tell people who you are his/her sub/slave, you can pretty much bet there is a reason for it.
  • If they play on the fact that you are hurting to try to start a relationship with you. Rebound relationships rarely work. Most Dominants handle someone like this with kid gloves, takes a step back a little, or even asks another submissive to come in and help. They definitely would not be pushing to put a collar on you
  •  For our Dominants that have a “hurting or new submissive” coming to you for assistance. If you offer to have a submissive speak with them that may understand what they are goingthrough….can give advice from a sub’s viewpoint – and they get mad or refuse it – walk away from them. They are Dom/collar hunters.
  • Anytime you feel uncomfortable, protect yourself. A true Dominant would rather you back away until you have truly earned your trust than for you to stay feeling like something is wrong.
  • Pushing forcefully for a sub to disclose personal details such as place of residence or workplace before trust is established (Thank you IW Velours, my dear Sir)