I wrote this as a comment to a question in a group i am in. Now i am not going to quote the question – i am just going to post my reply. I was glad to see that i am not the only one that thinks like this….
First i would like to say i hate to hear someone called a Sadist when in reality they are a monster (people who kidnap, torture and murder people). Because of its usage in the vanilla world, it makes it even harder for a Dominant to say what he really is. They are looked up by the vanilla world as bossy, abusive, control freaks by many – and in some cases, like there is something wrong with them mentally (i have heard this said many times about a Dom i know who is open about his lifestyle “there is something wrong with him” or “he needs help” and “that man is crazy”).
I am not sure we can ever resolve it because people are always going to be judgemental. Heck we cannot get away from it in our own community because so many think that if you do not agree with their way of thinking then you are wrong. How can we expect the outside vanilla community to learn to accept what we do as normal when many in the lifestyle either will not or cannot practice YKINMYBYKIO?
I truly believe that a feminist can be a submissive. I know in my day-to-day life i am very much a feminist – or what i believe to be feminism. I believe that if a woman can do a man’s job that she should be allowed to do that job at equal pay and with equal opportunities. However, unlike some feminist – i do not believe a woman should be given a job simply because she is a woman. That is just wrong. I believe in equal opportunity, equal treatment, etc. I know that some of the feminist groups here on Facebook did a good job at forcing facebook to shut down many BDSM pages a few years ago because they thought that it was “demeaning” women. I ask some of them “How is it demeaning to me, when it is something that i willingly choose to do, that i set the limits on what occurs, and that if what i offer is not respected, i can walk away?” Of course there was no answer – i was blocked. In another feminist group i made it very clear that i was loved and cherished more than i had ever been in a regular relationship. Never had i been shown so much respect, which of course got me booted from there too lol.
Although i do think that some male dominants (and yes i used lower case)- whether claiming to be sadist or not – have misogynic attitudes towards women and use this lifestyle as a way of mistreating women and abusing them. A true male Dominant – whether Sadist or not – does not have misogynic feelings for women – they love and adore them. And what about the male Sadist that only have male partners?
And we cannot overlook the women that have misandric feelings towards men that use the lifestyle as a cover to abuse and demean men. This happens – i believe – just as much as men using the lifestyle as a cover for abuse. I see the female Dominants that insist that any submissive that wants their attention MUST pay tribute to them for them to talk to them and i wonder about their attitude towards men. I have seen them with pages on FB and they have their Amazon wish list on it and will tell the male submissives that if they want her picture or want her to spend her time with them, they must purchase something for them off the wish list. To mean, this is wrong and taking advantage of submissives that are longing for a Dominant and are willing to do anything to get that attention. I also wonder how long a male Dominant would last in this lifestyle if he demanded tribute for his attention. Not long, because he would be ran out as a fake. (sorry just my opinion on that part lol)
We as a community HAVE to accept that as long as a relationship is SSC/RACK/PRICK then we have to respect it. If it is not being forced on the submissive or being given as an ultimatum for the Dominant to stay in the submissive’s life (if it is a known hard or agreed upon limit) then let everyone live their lifestyle the way they want. If you want the blood beat out of you with barbed wire and your Dominant will do it – great. If you love being a sissy and your Dominant wants that – great. If there is no pain play in your relationship and that is how you practice – wonderful. If you are a masochist Dominant who finds a Sadist submissive and she serves you completely and totally, however, in play, you need to be the one receiving pain and her giving it – super. This is the mentality we need to worry about progressing to before we can ever begin to expect the vanilla world to even half way accept us.