This is something that I feel needs to be said. I see more and more new subs coming into the lifestyle waving the “I am new and I want a Dom” flag, and then wonder why the sharks circle and why they end up in dynamics that don’t meet their needs or they feel that their feelings don’t matter.
First, it is good to make it clear that you are new, but until you have researched and ask questions, your main goal should be wanting to learn as much as possible. Never put yourself in the situation where you come looking for advice about your dynamic and one of the first things you say is ‘all I know about the lifestyle is what he has told me’. Fakes, abusers, and predators look for someone that is willing to jump in a dynamic without any idea of how it is supposed to work.
No one (hopefully) would jump into a marriage with someone they have only spoken to once or twice. You want to get to know each other and make sure you are compatible before entering a committed relationship. Why should the lifestyle be any different?
Take the time to really get to know what the potential Dominant is looking for in a dynamic. Ask questions – lots of questions. If the Dominant doesn’t want to answer them, or refuses to do so, move on. It is not going to improve over time. Make sure you have a connection with your Top and feel you can trust them; by giving
them this control, you are trusting them with a lot, perhaps even your life.
You are a person with your own mind and body, your own physical, emotional, and mental needs and limitations. It is crucial that you learn about yourself and be able to talk about these things, to give appropriate input to your Top. Be very honest about everything:
What you want to do
What you are willing to do
What you prefer not to do (but might be willing to try)
What you do not want to do under any circumstances
A Dominant wants and needs to know these things. They have wants, needs, and limits also. Make sure that when you are discussing these things, they are compatible. Accepting a dynamic without knowing these things about each other cannot end well. Think about it. If you are wanting a Daddy to treat you like a princess, take care of your every want and need, who will be tolerant of a brat, then that is what you have to make clear. Not being upfront with this information will only lead to heartache.
I will also add that if you don’t think you can handle a poly dynamic, then avoid someone that is already in one or makes it clear they are poly. I have seen statements made where a new person to a dynamic is wanting advice on how to get rid of the Dominant’s other sub because ” everything would be perfect if she was gone”. Wait for a monogamous Dominant instead. They are out there. And if a dominant (lower case on purpose) tries forcing you to accept someone else in the dynamic because “It is his right” leave the dynamic. Yes it will hurt, but better to move on and find what you want and need, than try to figure out how to deal with this situation and be completely miserable. And if you are interested in playing with an occasional partner- state it as that. There is
a huge difference in having occasional play partners and being poly. And if you want to play with others, you have to be willing to let your partner play too. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. It is different if you are fine with being monogamous while your partner is not. But it must be YOUR decision, not one that is forced on you.
And for the big kicker….if you find that your wants and needs change, but it goes against your partner’s wants and needs, don’t kick him or her for not meeting your needs. Own the fact that you have changed. You would not want someone to force you to accept something – show the same respect. For example, I entered my dynamic knowing my Owner is poly. If the day would ever come that I changed and needed a monogamous relationship, I would not try to force that on him, nor would I ever speak poorly of him. He is honest with me about his needs and I would be honest with him. As much as it would hurt me, I would ask for release so that I could search for what I need. He would still be the wonderful man that I see him as now. I would never speak down about him and would give him a wonderful reference if another sub contacted me.
I guess the point of this Sunday morning rambling is….know yourself before offering yourself to anyone else. Know what you want and need and state it clearly from the start. Your happiness is in your hands. If you don’t know what you want and need, how can anyone ever meet them. If you do not speak firmly and clearly about what you are looking for, how can anyone know? Dominants are not perfect (gasp), nor mind readers. Take ownership of your happiness and Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.