Knowing Yourself and What You Are Looking For

I know that I have stressed that the first thing that you should do is make sure that you are compatible before jumping into a D/s relationship. However there is a step that I have left out and I need to address it now.
There are so many young women (and men) stepping into the lifestyle, which is a wonderful thing. I wish that I had someone introduce me to the lifestyle when I was a lot younger. I would not have missed all the time that I missed. But such is life.

The thing I want young submissives to think about before even beginning to look for a Dominant is what kind of experience do you want your Dominant to have. I would hope that an experienced level-headed Dominant would be what every sub is looking for, but I am afraid that is not the case.

The reality that some seem to be missing is that if you are in your early 20s, you are either going to have to settle for a Dominant that is fumbling his way through – learning about relationships in general, not counting the D/s aspect of it, or choose someone older than you would normally date.

I do not think some have actually thought this through. There mentality is – ‘I am 22 so I do not want anyone over 25, but I want an experienced Dom to lead me as I learn this lifestyle.’ Stop right there and think. You are 22 and have little to no knowledge about the lifestyle – how do you expect someone your age to have any more than you do?

There is nothing wrong with choosing a Dominant with little experience so that you can grow together if that is what you want. However, you must accept that he/she is learning and going to make mistakes – a lot of them (just as you are) – and you can’t get upset because he/she is not Dominating you in a way that you want or even need.

I know that there are going to be newer Dominants (5 yrs or less) that are going to take offense to what I am saying – and for that I am truly sorry. However, the simple fact is – if a submissive wants and needs a Dominant with lots of experience in this lifestyle (not 15 relationships in 15 months – still just 15 months) then they are going to have to reach outside of their normal age dating age group. Lets face it – if you want a Dominant that has 20 years experience you can’t choose a 30-year-old.

I know dating an older man or woman will leave you answering some questions – especially if you have always dated someone your own age. However, that is something you are going to have to face. The one good thing about me coming into the lifestyle at a later age (early 40s), is that I did not have to worry about me choosing someone in their 50s – even early 60s.

I am not suggesting that you find a Dominant in their 50s or 60s. I am just saying that you may have to look at someone 10 years older than yourself. Also keep in mind that just because someone is in their 30s or 40s, it doesn’t mean that they are experienced in the lifestyle – they could have gotten a late start also. This is just something else for you to think about BEFORE you start looking for a Dominant.

The lifestyle is going to be here – so take your time. Get to know yourself, your wants, needs, and expectations. Think long and hard about what you want to get from your relationship.

  • Do you want just a D/s relationship with no further emotional involvement? Or do you want it to be a long-term love based D/s relationship?
  • If you want just a D/s relationship, do you want sex to be involved? (yes there are many that do not involve sex)
  • Can you accept a poly relationship or must it be monogamous?
  • How much experience do you want your Dominant to have? Are you willing to learn as your Dominant learns the lifestyle?
  • Do you want him/her to have had long-term relationships with other submissives?  (Wanting to speak to former submissives is not unusual in this lifestyle and shows that you are protecting yourself. A true Dominant will not be upset over this request.)
  • What exactly are you looking for in your Dominant? Are you looking for a Dom/Domme that may eventually become your Master/Mistress? Are you looking for a Daddy or a Mommy? You will only know what you are looking for if you know yourself.

I am not saying that you will never get hurt in a D/s relationship. Emotions become involved and just as with every relationship, there are going to be ones that do not work. But knowing what you are looking for will help prevent getting involved in a relationship that is just not going to work.

Making clear to a potential Dominant that you are new is something that is very important also. Not only will he/she know that there are may things that you do not understand and that they are going to have to explain in a little more detail, but they will also know that as you grow, there is a very good chance that your pain levels are going to change. Starting out in the lifestyle you are probably not going to know if you are a masochist, but it may be something you come to realize and if you are not with a Dominant that is capable of being a Sadist, you are going to have to make hard decisions. Knowing you are new, hopefully your Dominant will understand this and even help vet a new Dominant.

In closing, read as much as you can (NOT Romance/Erotica), ask yourself what it is you think you want and need, read some more. Ask questions of people who live the lifestyle and guess what? Read and do more self inspection.

I can’t guarantee that this will keep you from getting hurt, or that you will find the perfect Dominant right out the gate, but I assure you, you will be glad that you took the time to know your self a little better.

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