Red Flags

If anyone else thinks of any others, please leave a message and I will add them

  • Immediately trying to say there is a connection, before they even get to know you.
  • Fishing for how much money you make or trying to word around asking for money
  • Asking for pictures the first day/ early on while getting to know each other
  • Not getting to know your likes or dislikes.
  • Not asking your limits
  • If they keep you hid from others. This is not meaning keeping the D/s separate from vanilla life. Many times people have to hide this lifestyle for professional reasons or even from family that just would not understand the lifestyle choice. However, if they hide you from theirfriends in the lifestyle – there is something going on.
  • If you cannot be around Him/Her when they are with their friends because their ex is there.
  • If they push to meet faster than you are comfortable doing, or they push to scene before you are ready. Your submission is your gift to give and He/She has to earn it.
  • If you are new to the lifestyle and the Dominant is supposed to be experienced, and they spend more time punishing you, finding things wrong, downgrading you, that person is an abuser. This is not referring to any type play where both of you are agreeable to humiliation during scenes. A Dominant should build you up not tear you down. Yes you should be punished in some form for infractions, but if you spend more time in tears than smiling, this is not a healthy relationship for you.
  • If a “Dominant” ever disregards your safe word or hard limits.
  • If they tell you that you have to “earn” the right to tell people who you are his/her sub/slave, you can pretty much bet there is a reason for it.
  • If they play on the fact that you are hurting to try to start a relationship with you. Rebound relationships rarely work. Most Dominants handle someone like this with kid gloves, takes a step back a little, or even asks another submissive to come in and help. They definitely would not be pushing to put a collar on you
  •  For our Dominants that have a “hurting or new submissive” coming to you for assistance. If you offer to have a submissive speak with them that may understand what they are goingthrough….can give advice from a sub’s viewpoint – and they get mad or refuse it – walk away from them. They are Dom/collar hunters.
  • Anytime you feel uncomfortable, protect yourself. A true Dominant would rather you back away until you have truly earned your trust than for you to stay feeling like something is wrong.
  • Pushing forcefully for a sub to disclose personal details such as place of residence or workplace before trust is established (Thank you IW Velours, my dear Sir)


2 thoughts on “Red Flags

  1. I met a guy in another state and he immediately said I needed to call him Sir or Dominus, he has had me make several videos mostly urine related, has me get on my knees to a dress certain things, told me I needed to give him my phone record login and Facebook longin. Yet he has never sent me a video or even let me watch him on video do anything sexual. Told me he was falling in love with me on the 2nd day. I have to no capitalize i or me in reference to myself, I know he has a GF he says she knows and he’s allowed to have one sub. Again he lives in a different state and I’m supposed to be in training. This is my first experience with this and all these videos and stuff he has me doing yet he does nothing has got me concerned, I have been reading lots of articles and now I’m concerned. Any advice is greatly appreciated.


    • Never do anything that goes against your gut reaction. Would you do the things he ask you for a regular stranger? If not, then why for him? Because he calls himself a Dom? In 2 days he has not earned your trust nor submission. Have you spoken to his girlfriend or any previous subs? You have given someone the power to blackmail you and he has given you nothing. Please take the time to learn as much as possible about what a real Dom is and what should be done in negotiations at the start of a D/s relationship and in fact throughout the relationship. This lifestyle will be around when you are armed and prepared to step into it. And remember, if you wouldn’t do it in a vanilla relationship then definitely do not so it in a D/s relationship. There are a lot of predators, stalkers, and abusers using the guise of the lifestyle to find their victims.


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