Finding a Dominant Online

The following information can be used for male or female sub, Dom or Domme. I use He for the Dom out of ease of use. Before beginning a search for a Dom, i recommend you searching yourself thoroughly. This lifestyle is not something to be taken lightly or without a lot of thought. You may find in searching your heart that what you need is a little kink added to the bedroom – that you do not need to serve someone or have a Dom on a regular basis. And that is fine, do not let anyone tell you differently. 

I recommend completing – and regularly updating – a BDSM checklist. It will help you identify things that you are willing to try, things you may be willing to try andthings that are just a no go – your hard limits. You can find one at and if you see something that you do not understand or know what it is, don’t just guess, mark it NA and ask questions about it or look it up.

Your next step is to make a profile on one of the many social websites that are available to the BDSM community: fetlife, collarme, etc. Do not post anything that you do not want seen all over the internet. However, be completely honest in describing yourself, your wants and needs, your experience. Never hide anything in this regard because it will just bring you problems down the road.

This is not going to be an overnight thing. Have patience. There is going to be a lot of riff raff and wanna bes before you even find a likely prospect. Do not give up hope. This is a search you do not want to rush. Remind yourself that you are worth the wait and anything worth having is worth the time.

When you find someone who seems like a potential Dom, take your time getting to know him and let him get to know you. Ask questions – LOTS of questions. Take notes of his answers so when you ask a question again you can compare his answers. If he is a true Dom he will not mind taking it slow and answering questions. If he gets pushy about getting a picture (especially nude) or wanting to meet before you are ready, politely back away. Also if he says any of the following, politely end this conversation and continue your search for a true Dom:

* Address me as Master/Daddy/Sir, etc (these are titles that must be earned)

* You are asking too many questions, i will tell you what you need to know about me when and if i want to.

*My past relationships have no bearing on our relationships.

Ask about his experience and his past relationships: how long has he been in the lifestyle, how many D/s relationships has he had, does he mind if you speak to some of his past subs if it looks like this is going to work. Pay attention to what he says about his previous subs. If he never has anything good to say about them, if all of the breakups were their fault, etc – back away. Just as in vanilla relationships, all of them do not end badly nor is it always the fault of one party. If it appears that he blames the sub all of the time, you can bet one of two things 1. He does have a clue at how to pick a sub and or 2. He is more than likely the problem.

Find out what his needs and wants are – deal breakers: things that he needs to have in a relationship for him to be happy and satisfied. If his needs are not compatible with yours, there is no use going any further, it is not going to work. Let him know politely that you just do not think a D/s relationship is going to work because your needs don’t mesh. This will save both of you a lot of disappointment and who knows, you may have found a friend that can be a source of advice down the road.Let him know before you ever meet (and again after meeting) any phobias, fears, traumas, and abuse you may have experienced. If you were abused, molested, raped – it is all important. Even if you have had therapy there is always the chance of a flashback. If he knows he will be aware of any problems that you may experience during a scene and be prepared to deal with it. It is not going to scare him away, but if you freak out during a scene and he finds out you hid this from him, you may well lose a wonderful Dom.

You have gotten to the point that you are ready to meet. Still make sure you are safe. Arrange for your first meeting(s) in a public place. Make sure someone knows where you are and that you will call them when you leave. I had no qualms about making that call right in front of the Dom i met so he knew that someone would be waiting to hear from me. I did not tell them i was meeting with a Dom…just called to let a friend know that i was shopping but that i would call her back later to see if she wanted to meet for drinks and dinner. Bases covered. Continue meeting in public places until you feel like you are ready to go further.

Once again make sure you discuss what both of you are looking for. If either of you are looking for a loving, long-term relationship and the other is looking for a play partner, someone is going to get hurt. He may be a Dom but he still has feelings and both of you need to be on the same playing field. I found it very helpful to ask many of the same questions that i had already ask. I would rather he be aggravated than me not to feel completely safe.

Well you have gotten to the point that you are ready to go to the next level. Make sure both of you KNOW your safe words – examples but does not have to be used :red = STOP, yellow = caution, i am about at my limit, or i need a break, green= i am fine, continue. Whatever words you agree upon, make sure you can remember them and so can he.  have him show you the toys and implements that he is going to use so you can be familiar with them and what they feel like. For my first time, he left me unrestrained and no blindfold so that i could feel even more safe. But that is all left up to the two of you. Make sure he knows how much time that you have so that he can end the scene with enough time for aftercare. Aftercare is a must and there should be ample time for it. I personally would never schedule for less than 6 hours.

If at any time – from talking online and on the phone, to meeting, to the actual scene – you do not feel safe, something does not feel right, you intuition screams that it is wrong- heed it. Always trust that inner voice. I always practice MA1 (My A$$ First) when it comes to my safety and well-being and so should you.

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