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Dealing with an Online/ Long Distance Relationship

one of the first poems that i wrote. It came from my heart for t

one of the first poems that i wrote. It came from my heart for the Master that i was in an online relationship with,

It is becoming more and more popular to have online/long distance relationships – mainly due to social media making it easier to meet other people in the lifestyle. However, as easy as it is to start an online/long distance relationship, it is just as hard to maintain it and find satisfaction for both parties.

Many think it is easier for the Dominant. They can direct the submissive to complete certain tasks, which does make a submissive feel useful to the Dominant when they cannot be there with the Dominant. They can have the submissive do certain acts – including flogging and spanking themselves. They can direct the submissive to complete punishments such as standing in the corner, writing, or holding a coin against a wall with their nose just to name a few. Yes the Dominant gets pleasure from this – and the submissive gets the satisfaction from doing as the Dominant asks.

Many times you will hear submissives say that they do not get the pleasure of just letting go and letting the Dominant take control. The submissive has to remain in control to complete the things the Dominant directs. So yes there is a lack of complete satisfaction for the submissive. However, you have to look at the effect this has on the Dominant also. The Dominant does not get the satisfaction of actually wielding  the flogger, paddle, etc. The Dominant does not get the satisfaction of actually delivering the pain and pleasure to the submissive that they own. Neither gets the satisfaction of feeling the touch of skin to skin. I think you get my meaning.

Communication and trust is so very important. You have to trust that someone you are not with is being honest about their faithfulness. It is not as easy to find out about their “extracurricular activities” when you are hours and many miles apart. You have to trust that each of you are doing as you say you are in a scene – except when you are skyping.

Time differences can make it harder to have time together online. I know of couples that are several time zones apart. The first person that introduced me to the lifestyle was 5 hours ahead of me. To have time together there was many times he or I was up at 2 AM – whether i was getting up early or he was staying up late. It made it very hard. But when we set times to talk – barring something unavoidable coming up – we were always there for each other. Eventually that relationship ended, but i learned a lot about the lifestyle through him.

Some couples only get to see each other every few months – maybe only once or twice a year.But with love and dedication to each, they make it work. Yes there are issues – issues they would not have if they were closer to each other. But open and honest communication gets them through these times.

I am not trying to talk anyone out of an online or long distance relationship. Just wanting to let you know that there are going to be more bumps in the road than a “regular” relationship. And to let you know, that they can be well worth the extra effort that each of you have to put in to make it work

We Are Not Damaged
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We Are Not Damaged

I know that there are many people who think that we that practice a BDSM lifestyle are damaged.  Or for the ones that live a poly lifestyle, that it is wrong and need to be saved from their self-destructive ways. They are wrong, so very wrong. We are normal, productive people who happen to have different needs and desires than the average person. I would like to address these topics here.

First, I would like to address the BDSM lifestyle and the people who practice it. We are not this way because we have been abused as a child. Yes there are Dominants that were abused, but there are many that had a completely normal, happy childhood. And looking at the abuse side of it, most people that abuse do not practice this lifestyle. To be a Dominant, you must have control of yourself…an abuser does not. Contrary to 50 Shades of Grey, a Dom is not that way because he had an abusive childhood. He/she is simply a Dominant personality that had a tragic upbringing and overcome it. So do not try to save him. He does not need saving if he is a true Dominant.

As for a submissive – male or female – it is a part of who they are. Once again it is the same thing,  they are submissive DESPITE being abused not because of it. I have been in abusive relationships –as a child and in a vanilla relationship. I have also had a bad Dom, when I was first entering this lifestyle. What all three of those had in common was the fact that it made me feel less than everyone else. I felt beat down, not worthy of love.

I have had two wonderful Dominants since then. The difference is black and white.  I was built up, encouraged, cherished. Their treatment of me made me want to give them more…to be a better submissive. They value (d) my submission and me and encouraged me to be a better person – in the lifestyle and in the vanilla world. My self-confidence grows every day. That is what my Sir gives me with his love and dominance.

As far as poly relationships – they have been around forever. Today’s culture looks down on them, but it is because they do not understand the love that is in these relationships. I know a man in RL that is married to two women and has kids with both. You could not ask for happier people. The children are loved and well-adjusted. Something that is hard to find in many kids today. However, these two women both know that they are loved by their husband. They care for each other and help each other. The kids know that they are loved and know that each of them are treated the same. They are loved and adored by all three parents. It is a joy to see in this day and time when kids are often mistreated and abandoned.

So remember, just because you do not understand something does not make it wrong. Just because someone lives a lifestyle that you do not understand, does not make it wrong. Take the time and try to see that they are healthy and happy. They are fulfilled and well-adjusted. Just as with so many people – they may be different, but they are not damaged. ~kayngel~