Relationships and BDSM – When One Partner is Submissive and the Other is Vanilla

head to head

I am going to address something that seems to be popping up more and more. It is about people trying to change their partners. I see it not only here but in messages to my pages.
When i first started getting messages from new subs, it was from people who had thought that they were submissive – usually, i am afraid to say because they had read a certain book and got hot and bothered. They submitted to a Dom and then did not like the fact that he punished them because they had done something wrong. He did not bend to her every whim. I guess they were under the impression that because CG gave in to Anastasia’s every whim and want that that was the way this lifestyle is supposed to work. WRONG. You submit because you desire to serve and please someone else. You get pleasure from serving. Yes he seeks to meet your needs also, they should not be ignored – but you serve him, not him serving you. I have even had people address the relationship as S/d which tells me right there they are in the wrong lifestyle.

As time has moved on, i am seeing more and more people wanting to change their partner into a Dominant (mainly male, but female also). People mistaking a dominant personality for a Dominant person. They are completely different things. I have dominant personality in my everyday life…but my very core is submissive. That is where i find my true pleasure and happiness. When i offer advice on this situation it is in ways that you can get pleasure from serving, not in changing a person. Yes you may be able to get them to partake in some kinky activities- enjoy the submissive activities that you do to give yourself pleasure – but they will never be truly Dominant. It is a fact that you have to accept.

If you accepted your submissive nature (not became submissive) after getting involved in a relationship, it is easier for you to find happiness in the little things you can do to serve your partner. You have never really known submission, so in fact, what you believe you want may, in reality, not be so. You could find out that outside of some kinkiness in the bedroom, the rest of this lifestyle is not your cup of tea. Complete satisfaction can be found in this lifestyle without sex being involved; however, kinky sex will never bring complete satisfaction to a submissive, imho. I am not saying it is wrong just to be kinky – because it is not. I am just saying that being kinky and being submissive are two entirely different things.

If you knew you were submissive (or Dominant) and got involved with a vanilla, then the partner is not usually at fault in this situation. Now i have seen “submissives” that could put on a good show long enough to win over a Dominant, but then after getting what they thought they wanted, did their very best to change the Dominant. I rarely hear of a “Dominant” faking being a Dominant until they won over a submissive and then dropping the facade after winning the submissive’s heart. If you knew you were submissive and did not make it completely clear that submission is a vital part of who you are, there is no one to blame but yourself. You knew that you needed the L/s and chose to get involved with a vanilla. How can you place him/her at fault, when they did not hide who and what they are? You fell for this person as they are and now are trying to force something on them that is not who they are. You are failing them, not the other way around. You are hurting yourself and them – not them hurting you. I can just imagine the uproar that would occur if a Dominant (especially male) tried to force being submissive on someone (especially female). He would be labeled an abuser.

As i have said, if you discovered yourself after getting involved and/or married to a vanilla, you have a lot to consider. Since you have never experienced the lifestyle, you can and should be able to find pleasure in setting at his/her feet, serving them in small ways, maybe even the mild kink that you MAY be able to convince them to participate in. Rarely is a Dominant going to discover that they are Dominant, but if they do, it may be a little more complicated. A strong-willed vanilla is not going to submit very easily – although they may enjoy a little kink in the bedroom. However, if you knew you were submissive, and either hid the fact completely or kept telling yourself that you could change the person, you can only look to yourself. If you were not getting your needs met while dating – that is not going to change after you get married. If you thought that you could live without the lifestyle, decided to continue seeing a vanilla and then found out that you could not live without that part of yourself – it is still on you. It was your decision. Don’t kick a good vanilla because they cannot change to be something other than what they are. If they agreed to try, and just can’t do it – they still have not failed you. They tried. You failed yourself in not seeking the love and commitment you needed in the lifestyle.

At this point you have to make the decision now whether you are going to stay in a relationship, and either be unhappy and strive to make a good person happy; stay in a relationship and try to force something on someone who they do not feel and make both of you unhappy; or hurt a good person (although in the long run doing them a favor) and leave and make yourself happy. If you discovered your submissive side after getting seriously involved or married to someone, it is a lot more complicated. Neither of you did anything wrong. People grow and change all the time and relationships failed. If you tried to compromise and happiness still could not be found, then no one is really to blame. People change. You are still going to have to make hard decisions, and i truly feel your pain in this.

Either way – remember, the vanilla is innocent in this…Good or bad, a leopard can’t change his spots. You can dye his fur, shave him bald – but he will always be a leopard.

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