If there is anything that i would like to pass on to others – it is safety first. I know that sometimes our hearts try to overrule our heads and it can put us in bad situations. Many people who go from one abusive relationship – vanilla or lifestyle is because of our need for love and acceptance. It is even worse when we want a strong Dominant and we let his sweet words overrule our common sense and before we realize what has happened – we are right back in am abusive relationship.
I always encourage people to get to know someone as much as possible before playing with them. A true Dominant will have no issue giving you the time you need to become comfortable with him/her. A true Dominant knows that until you can completely trust them – scenes will not be as fulfilling as they can be. Ask all the questions you need to ask. It is YOUR life and safety after all.
If you are meeting someone who you have met online, there are many things that you should do for your own safety – regardless of whether you are meeting a man or a woman. Women can be abusers also.
- Either take someone with you when you meet with them – in public – or make sure that you have a safe call. Call this person when you arrive at the meeting place – i prefer right in front of the person you are meeting with. That way someone knows that you have arrived where you were going. You do not have to tell your safe call that you are meeting a Dominant. Just make sure that someone KNOWS that you are going to be calling them back.
- After you have gotten comfortable with them online, take the time to make a list of questions you would like the answers to. Do not worry about the amount of questions. Write down everything that you can think of that will help you get to know him/her better.
- Make sure you write down to ask them about previous relationships – vanilla and lifestyle. Ask for names of people that they have been in relationships with. If they will not give you any, this is a huge red flag. If they say that they have been in the lifestyle for many years, but cannot give a reference – either they are lying about their experience or they are really abusers. There is always a sub or even a vanilla partner that will give a good recommendation for a true Dominant.
- Write down the answers they give you…you will need to go back over the answers when you are alone. The answers may lead to more questions and that is good.
- If you filled out a BDSM Checklist – discuss it with them. See if you limits, wants and needs are compatible. There is no good in proceeding if you are a little and he is a Sadist.
- Call your safe call AFTER you have left the meeting and are on the road.
- Trust your gut more than your ears and heart. We usually get ourselves in trouble because we tend to ignore intuition. If something feels off – then it probably is.
Meet with them until you are sure that you are comfortable with them – or if you do not feel things were as they should have been – let that be the last meeting. Any relationship can be dangerous – but you are trusting someone to put you in situations that can be really dangerous if they do not know what they are doing or they are abusers. No matter your desire for a Dominant – your safety must come first.
And as a last word for the Dominants looking for subs. Be safe also. To put it bluntly there can be some dangerous people in the guise of subs. They can become obsessive and possessive in a manner that can be detrimental. If they appear to desperate and needy – slow things down. A sub must be strong to serve as they should. Now that is not saying they should be bossy and overbearing in their attitude during the meeting, but they should not be willing to call you Master after talking with you a few minutes online – willing to do anything you ask. There are too many now that have a romance novel view of what the lifestyle is and have not taken the time to figure out what they want and need before attempting to find a Dominant.
I know that it may seem like i am telling you to treat this as a job interview – cold and unfeeling. And maybe in a way it is. But there is plenty of time for scenes and developing the relationship further – plenty of time to become collared – when you have found the right person for you.