Your Safety

I am wanting to stress again how important it is to be responsible for one’s own safety and well-being. You CANNOT just trust that everyone that claims they are a part of the Ls is. This lifestyle is very easy for a sociopath/abuser to walk into and truly hurt someone. And i am not talking about just so-called dominants – but fake submissives can be dangerous too. Think of the harm they can do to you personally and professionally if they decide they are not happy about something they previously agreed to, or they are bound and determined that you are not going to release them. Hazards can come from both sides of the slash.

I have posted in here before about SSC, RACK, and my favorite -PRICK. SSC is the standard most go by, however, there is risk involved in a lot that we do. Even being as safe as possible, a submissive can be injured. It is just a fact when you are participating in pain play, and even bondage. Think of the things you do in your everyday vanilla life that can cause injury even if it was not intended, and you can see why risk aware is so important to add to the SSC.
However, the reason i like P.R.I.C.K. is because it adds the personal responsibility factor to it. How can you NOT take personal responsibility for your personal well-being along with your personal and professional life?? Yes you SHOULD be able to trust your Dominant with your very life – but that is a trust that MUST be earned and KEPT. Just as a sub should always show that they are deserving of the trust and respect that is given to them by their Dominant. It is a 2 way street.
I truly wonder how many of these new subs would just send nude pics – and especially ones with their faces/identifying marks visible in them – to just any random Joe Blow that tells them they want them? How many of them would just load up and leave their family for someone they have never even seen their face or heard their voice? But yet because these people claim to be Dominants, they will do it. And then wonder why they are being blackmailed, why they are being abused, or why they are dumped without any reason why after sending pics or hooking up once with this person.
If your own emotional, physical, and/or professional well-being is not a good enough reason to take personal responsibility then consider your family and friends. Look at how many times family and friends are hurt by lack of personal responsibility. How many are left wondering what has happened to a family member that has just disappeared after meeting with someone? And even worse – the family members that have to identify the body of a loved one simply because Personal Responsibility was not taken and trust was given to someone who had not earned that trust, but simply hung Dom, Sir, or Master in front of their name on a website.
I am not saying that things cannot go wrong when you do everything right, because it can. Look at all the people who are injured or murdered by loved ones. However, the excuse, “well i thought i could trust him/her cause they said they were a Dominant” is no excuse at all. That is like saying “well i let him operate on me in the basement of his house because he claimed he was a doctor”. All i am saying is that in the end – you and only you is responsible for your safety and well-being. Common sense, being informed, taking responsibility for you and your actions – whether vanilla or lifestyle oriented will go a long way in keeping you happy and safe, and more importantly – alive.
Kayngel Hatcher

BDSM

BDSM

What I am about to write is strictly my opinion only. You may agree or disagree and that is fine. But i hope it may help some as they begin their journey into BDSM.

I see so many times people thinking that they are a sub or Dom because they enjoy pain play  or bondage in the bedroom. And you may be. However, I believe many times it is based on a lack of truly understanding what BDSM means, and what is covered under the BDSM umbrella. I also believe this is what leads to people getting involved in relationships that leave them unhappy or unsatisfied.

The first thing i would like to discuss is the BD in BDSM. It means Bondage and Discipline. This is the part that covers the part where people who enjoy kinky play only. It is similar to the S&M portion that i am going to speak of later, just not as intense. They are usually referred to as Tops or bottoms and can be switches also. There is nothing wrong with only enjoying Bondage and Discipline, it is just important that you make it clear that this is what you are seeking when searching for a potential partner.

DS is the Dominance and submission portion that most people are familiar with. You can be a Dominant/Master or a submissive/slave in this dynamic. The Caregiver (Daddy or Mommy)/little is also covered under this portion. Under the Dominance and submission heading, there is a  power exchange of some sort. It can be 24/7 TPE as in a M/s relationship or it can be only during agreed upon times, under agreed upon rules. Many times there is Bondage and Discipline and even Sadomasochism in a D/s or M/s relationship – but it does not have to be.  A submissive can submit fully to a Dominant and it never have any kinky/bondage/pain play in the picture. Many times you will see these people calling themselves Sensual Doms and subs to clarify that they are not into pain play. This does not mean that a submissive does not have discipline in their life nor does it mean that they are not punished.

I know some are not sure where the CG/little dynamic falls under the BDSM umbrella but it falls under the DS portion. Even without pain play, there is a power exchange involved in this dynamic. The Daddy/Mommy is expected to care for, look out for, and help shape and mold the little. The little is expected to respect and obey what the caregiver says to them. And although a little can be (doesn’t have to be) a bit more mischievous than a sub or slave, the CG can and does discipline and punish a little – just in a different manner than a Dom or Master may with their sub or slave.

The last part of the BDSM acronym is S&M. Sadists and masochists can be found without the power exchange of a Ds relationship. A Sadist derives pleasure – sometimes sexual-from inflicting pain and/or humiliation to another. A masochists derives pleasure from pain. A Sadist does not need to Dominate to be fulfilled as a Dom/Master does. He/she needs to give pain to another. A masochist may not have a submissive bone in their bodies, but still needs pain inflicted upon them.

As you can see Polyamory is not covered in the acronym. There are many that practice Ds relationships that also practice polyamory – but it is not given that a Dominant have multiple submissives. Polyamory is the ability to love more than one person. So many D/s and M/s relationships are happily monogamous. There are also plenty of polyamorous relationships that there are absolutely no power exchange or kinky play in. It is just the ability to love more than one person. It’s one similarity to a Ds relationship is the fact that it must have complete honesty and open communication for it to work. But then again that is any relationship.

I hope that this will help some as they start their journey in BDSM. I hope it helps you define what it is you are looking for, and to help avoid some pitfalls that many have gone through.

 

 

 

 

 

Discipline & Punishment

Discipline & Punishment

Many times Discipline and/or Punishment is confused with the scenes between a Dominant and submissive or used interchangeable when discussing correction of a submissive. Although the pain/pleasure delivered during play may be similar to that used during punishment – it is actually 2 entirely different things. I am going to be discussing how Discipline and Punishment is used during the training of a submissive.

Discipline is the used to teach proper behavior and obedience. It can be rules that are set down for the submissive to follow and/or accompanied by direct instruction by your Dominant. Discipline is used train your submissive physically and mentally to be the submissive you want them to be. It can be training in how to kneel, walk, stand, even speak, according to what your agreed upon relationship calls for. Submissives trained to be slaves follow a stricter discipline many times than subs due to the level of service that a slave is called upon to give.

Punishment is imposed upon a submissive to control or correct bad behavior. It must be clear that the punishment is being delivered due to the submissive’s misbehavior. If the submissive enjoys it – it is not going to correct the bad behavior, and only encourage more of it.  This leads to a vicious cycle of misbehavior and reward. Although it may be amusing at first, it is – in fact- the reason many submissives are released and they do not understand why. Just as a child’s misbehavior can be funny at first, it begins to become annoying. However, because rewards for misbehavior was given, the submissive will continue to do what gets them what they want instead of communicating clearly what their needs are.

Punishment can be physical, such as a spanking or paddling (if it is not something enjoyable to the submissive, and as long as it does not go against hard limits).  It can be made to write lines or even an essay on why their behavior was wrong and what it should and will be from now on. For littles, it can be sitting in the corner without any of their favorite toys or being sent to time out in their room. Holding a coin against the wall with their nose (whether standing on their toes or not) for a period of time is another example of punishment for misbehavior and can be modified as the Dominant wishes.

For many submissives, knowing that their Dominant is disappointed in their behavior, attitude, or actions will bring about a change quickly – as long as the Dominant is consistent in what he/she does not allow from the submissive. For some, especially slaves, the drive to be as close to perfect as possible for their Dominant will lead to only a look or simple but quietly spoken verbal correction will do the trick.

There are many different forms of punishment that can be used to correct misbehavior in a submissive. It should be a part of the negotiations when discussing your relationship, along with rewards for good behavior. Remember – what will work with one submissive will not work on another, and it is the responsibility of the Dominant to learn his submissive so that he can use the least amount of punishment to correct the behavior/actions that displeases or disappoints the Dominant. For example, a submissive may not finish a task assigned to them and they do not have a good reason for it. A time out or writing lines could make sure this doesn’t happen again. However, misbehavior in front of others that brings embarrassment to the Dominant could well be worth a more harsh punishment. Just as rewards should be given as earned, punishments must be doled out in the same manner.

First and foremost, never punish the submissive while you are angry. You need to let them know as soon as you can that they have broken a rule or misbehaved, but it should be done calmly. You should explain why the submissive is being punished. Make sure they are aware how their behavior made you feel. Make sure that the submissive is clear on what rule was broken.  Before punishing the submissive, be sure and also listen to the submissive. If there are underlying issues for the behavior, it does not necessarily take away from the punishment, but it may temper the level of punishment that they are given on this occasion.

Finally, make sure that they know that you have forgiven them. Submissives can carry a punishment around a lot longer than they should if they feel they severely disappointed their Dominant. Sit down with the submissive after the punishment has been completely and let them speak about how they feel. Just as you explained how their behavior made you feel, let them know how resulting issuing of punishment made you feel.  Keep the discussion calm, and once it is done, the submissive is forgiven. Period.

2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 18,000 times in 2015. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 7 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Masochistic Dominant and Sadistic Submissive

Masochistic Dominant and Sadistic Submissive

I have been looking for information on a topic and i have not found much so i am going to write my thoughts on it.

So many times we just assume that D/s and S&M go hand in hand. Most of the time it does. But a Dominant does not have to have a desire to give pain to be a Dominant. He/She can be a wonderful Dominant without it. Same with a submissive – he/she does not have to need pain to be a submissive. They can serve a  Dominant just as fully without an ounce of pain play being involved.

There are also people who are into S&M that do not have anything at all to  do with D/s.  They are  just people who need to give and receive  pain – plain and simple. There is no submission, and many times the sexual pleasure comes from the giving and receiving of pain – not necessarily the sex act itself.

This is leading up to what has been running through my mind. A person may have the need to Dominate but yet still have a desire  – a need – to receive pain.  A submissive can have the overwhelming desire to serve someone but still feel  the need to give pain. Odd sounding isn’t it? But it is out there.

These people are in a unique situation. As a Dominant – how can you ask your submissive to flog you, paddle you, whip you – and still maintain your Dominance? As a  submissive, how do you explain to your Dominant – the person you serve – that you have this deep need? This can be a difficult conversation to say the least, but one that would have to be had. Otherwise you will be left with part of you left unfulfilled.

Many times these people  will call themselves S/switches because it is the best way they know to describe it. They will describe themselves as  a Switch so they can explain – as a Dominant, needing to experience pain on occasion, or as a submissive, needing to have someone who they can unleash their desires to give pain.

Sometimes a Masochist Dominant will have their submissive flog or whip them. This can be hard for a submissive to do  – especially if they have never desired to do these things. However, to please their Dominant – to serve Him/Her in whatever manner that the Dominant requires they will do this. Some call it service topping, others just refer to it as being in service to the Dominant. He/She can spell out exactly what they are needing from their submissive to make it easier on the submissive. The submissive should realize that they are still serving their Dominant – just in a different fashion.

The trick here is the Sadist submissive. If a Dominant does not have a masochist side or is a Switch, the submissive is left in a bit of a situation. What do they do to satisfy that need to give pain? Not many Dominants are going to volunteer for whipping if it is not something that they desire. It can lead to a submissive feeling not quite fulfilled no matter how happy they are in their submission to their Dominant.

Sometimes these people are lucky enough to find each other. Can you imagine the feeling of relief when that happens? Finding someone who truly “gets” you! It is hard enough finding your perfect match in the Lifestyle as it is. We are not exactly  what you call “normal” by vanilla standards as it is. Add in this unusual combination and it makes it even harder.

Remember, neither the Masochist Dominant nor the Sadist submissive are Switches. The Masochist Dominant has no desire to serve or submit – just to feel pain. The Sadist submissive has no desire at all to Dominate or to be served –  just to give pain. And with so little information being out there about these 2 combinations it can leave them feeling a bit ….different. It can also make them feel like maybe they are not truly Dominant or submissive. Add to that the fact that many of the people in the L/s will also look at them like they are not Dominant/submissive, and they are even more stressed.

What everyone needs to remember is that each person’s needs and desires are different. What is right or wrong for you is not what is right or wrong for someone else. Don’t judge yourself by someone  else’s relationship. Find what fulfills you, live it to the fullest, and that is the right way to lead your D/s relationship.

Having It All

Having It All

So many times we dream of having it all – the fairy tale – the happily ever after. However, sometimes one has to realize and accept that THAT may not be in this lifetime.
Not because you have not found love – but BECAUSE you love so much.
I know this may sound so very strange but it is true.
I would rip out my heart for the ones i love to have what they need – even if that does not include me.
i would suffer myself to see the ones i love happy and fulfilled – even if it is not me that gives them that.
It brings me joy to know that someone i love is happy, fulfilled, complete, -even if it is without me.
It would break my heart for them to feel that their life was lacking – especially because of me.
I want my love to be the source of them feeling complete, cause i have spent way too much of my life knowing something was missing from mine.
Complicated isn’t it, lol?
I have opened my heart, mind, and spirit to being happy being loved and loving.         Just that.
Not holding out for the fairy tale but seeing the fairy tale in being loved and cherished just as things are.
To seeing the ones i love happy and enjoying their life with me being a part of it as my happily ever after.
Live life – celebrate the love that you can enjoy – and in that you can see that you DO have it all.

Desire to Serve – to Please

Desire to Serve – to Please

Sometimes my need and desire to serve is almost overwhelming. It seems that no matter how much i give, how pleased He is with me, i find myself longing to give more. His happiness – His pleasure – brings me so much happiness and joy.
I know that as long as He is pleased with me that i am serving Him well, but i believe my desire to serve just grows stronger every time He smiles at me and tells me what a good girl i am.
As i think on my time as a submissive, i am sometimes amazed at how i have grown as a woman and a sub. I am nowhere near the same person i was 4 years ago. I can only pray that i continue to grow in submission and strength so that i can always please Him. That i can grow as a person and a sub to be able to give Him all that He may ask of me.
i can understand that there are many that do not understand how one can submit to another’s will and feel they are a stronger person for it. Heck, if someone would have tried to tell me that a few years ago, i would have been scratching my head too – all the while wondering why i constantly felt something was missing in my life. Opening my heart and mind and finally accepting my submissive spirit was like finding myself for the first time. It answered all the “whys” that was always in my relationships.
I am not saying that my travel along this path has been easy – there have been some dark, rocky sections along the way. But now i stand in the light that His Love for and Dominance of me, and i feel myself blossom. And the ache to serve, to please grows stronger.

What This Lifestyle Means To Me

What This Lifestyle Means To Me

Once again i am looking at people involved/getting involved in this lifestyle and i have to scratch my head and wonder.  Maybe i am the odd duck, who knows? To me this lifestyle is more than just having someone in your life. It is a connection deeper than anything i have ever known. It is hard to put into words, but being with my Dominant is my little piece of heaven.  His Dominance is worthy of every bit of submission i give Him – and more. I also know that – to Him- my love and submission is the greatest and most valuable gift i could give Him. It makes serving Him an even greater pleasure than i could have imagined. It also makes me long to please Him even more. They reverberate off of each other – growing as they do so.
I think some see the collar as  a symbol of the lifestyle alone. They want a collar so they can show that they are a submissive. My collar is more – so much more. To me it is a symbol of the love and connection that is between us. It is tangible evidence that my submission is cherished by Him even while He owns me.  It symbolizes a love that is beyond any vanilla relationship i have been in.

Now i know that there are some in the lifestyle that do not have a loving connection but it is strictly a D/s relationship – some even without sex. However – for that collar to mean anything besides a kinky piece of jewelry, there has to be a connection – a bond. There has to be ultimate trust and respect between Dominant and submissive.  The Dominant has to earn that trust and respect – and respect and treasure the submission that is given to Him/Her.  THAT is what the collar symbolizes.

Now i know that there will always be people who look at things differently – and that is everyone’s right – but this is just what the lifestyle means to me.

How to act like a respectful submissive

Jen of WCDT

A newbie’s guide to being a respectful and desired submissive.

by June of WCDT.

    A lot of BDSM has become online only practice because of most having stumbled across this either by the “50 shades” books or on a Facebook page such as my own (Whips, Chains & Duct Tape). The good quiet girl has all this sexual confusion/frustration pent-up inside her needing to be let out of her cage. Not understanding any of this NEED or that there is a name for it, many girls will create a “fake” lifestyle Facebook profile so that the friends and family do not see what the “good girl” is up to on  FB. How could you possibly explain this to your aunt or friend from the office if you barely understand it yourself? So out of fear of rejection and ridicule you hide behind that dirty girl profile and start your…

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