This Woman

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All my life I have been lead to believe that I was unworthy of so much. That I did not deserve to be loved like my heart cried out for. That I was nothing, and as nothing, I should not expect to be cherished and treasured for what I am. The people that treated me like this and made me believe this was wrong. I am worthy of so much more than I have settled for in my life.

I will first start with my worthiness as a submissive.  My submission comes from my heart. It is not something I do just to have someone in my life or just because it seems to be the latest fad. I AM a submissive, a slave. I obey and serve with all that I am. That in itself makes me worthy of the wonderful Dominance that is shown to me. Pleasing my Master, my Daddy, brings me so much happiness. I do not have to settle for crumbs -for leftovers – just because my insecurities rear their ugly head. Just as the wants and needs of the Dominant I am serving matters, so does mine. My submission is worth being treasured because it is unique and special. Although others may offer their submission, it cannot replace what I have to offer. That is something that I need to remember. If my submission is so easily replaced, then the one I gave it to do not respect it nor me and therefore, did not deserve my submission. I do not say that out of conceit. I say that in knowing that I am worthy.

The next thing I will speak of is the value of my heart and my love. Yes, my heart has scars, but it is still capable of giving so much love. That love, like my submission, is unique because it is MY love that is being given. Although, the ones I love may be loved by others, it is not my love. The ones I love may love others, but what they give to me is special and unique because it for me. It is because they love the person that I am. Fearing that my love can be easily replaced is only letting my insecurities override my value to the ones that I love and who love me. It is also being disrespectful to them, because it is not valuing the love that is given to me.

And lastly the complete picture of who I am and what I am worth. I do not see myself through rose colored glasses. I am not a beautiful woman. I am not even sure I would say I was pretty. BUT, I have a wonderful loving heart. I care for people and do my best to help them even when I am often overlooked. I am loyal and dedicated to the ones I give my heart to. Sometimes to the point that I allow myself to be abused or I put myself behind others. In doing this at times, because of my insecurities, I automatically assume that the ones I love will do the same. That is not giving the ones I love credit for seeing all of me and being able to love me and being able to put my wants and needs in the proper place in their life. Yes, when you are poly, you have to accept that sometimes one of the other people may need the ones you love more than you need them. And that is the way it should be. BUT the ones I love WILL put my wants and needs first when mine is what is needing their attention at the time.

As I was saying about my physical appearance. I have not had an easy life. Life itself has taken its toll at times. I have put my service of others (even when I did not know I was submissive) ahead of my own wellbeing. I have sacrificed my physical being to help others. The same goes for my mental wellbeing. Just being the person I am in the career I have loved has done its damage. I am also a mother and grandmother who has sacrificed to make sure they have what they need and a lot of what they want. The same goes for being a good wife even when it has not been what I needed, wanted, or deserved.

But I know that I have a beautiful spirit that shines through. That loving and giving heart that is fiercely loyal and so easily hurt (even though I hide it so many times) is a precious thing too. My submission that comes from my very soul all combine to make a lovely person. Physical beauty may not be mine to claim, but the total picture of me is beautiful.  All of these things combined means that – to the ones that truly love all of me – I AM worthy of being loved and cherished and needed the way that I am. And because I am loved the way that I am, no one can just replace me in the heart of the ones that love me. I have to look at myself through the eyes of the ones that love me and know that no pretty face (or sexy bottom) can take away the way they feel about me. I am unique. I am special. I am loved.

No Limits slave

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I have seen so many slaves say that they have no limits. I think many times they are confusing no limits with no limits with a Master that has similar limits as they do. Often when you start asking questions of their “No Limits” they will either say – “oh that is not what i am talking about” or they have no limits because they are afraid to say something is a limit because they fear they will lose their Master.
Now this is just my humble opinion, but it is not so hard to have no limits with a Dominant that you have taken the time to get to know, and have discovered that that person’s hard limits are the same as yours. I think there may only be one or two things that are on my hard limits list that my Owner is interested in trying. Soft limits are something that can be pushed and even gotten past, but you know that the Dominant is not going to ask anything of you that is a complete hard limit. I know that some hard limits will move to soft limits – and at times be moved to things that you enjoy – but there are some that will always be hard limits no matter how long you are with someone.
I have seen a picture of a woman lying on a sheet of plastic with a real barbed wire flogger lying across her bottom. She was bloody from her bottom to her upper thighs. She was not restrained – not sure if she had been earlier or not. Now i love pain, don’t get me wrong. But something like that will always be a hard limit. Others may progress to it, but for many there will never be a point where they progress to where that is enjoyable.
I have seen where women have had their labia either sewn up or have padlocks through them. What if he decided he wanted that. I have also seen where a submissive enjoyed getting cut and then having alcohol put on the cuts. One Dominant i know had a sub that wanted to be whipped so hard that she was cut from the whip and then wanted him to take needle and thread and sew it up. If he decided he wanted that, would you do it?
I know a woman that enjoyed being choked until she lost consciousness. Although i enjoy some breath play – this is a hard limit and will remain on for me due to dangers involved in it. Would you be willing to do it just because your Master decided he wanted to try it?
Many no limits slaves will immediately add scat and animals as being a hard limit – but hey, you just said that you had no limits with your Master. What would you say if he suddenly decided that it was something he was interested in? It is something to think about.
On the BDSM checklist that can easily be found online there are many things that will always be a very hard limit with me. Some of them are: Brown showers, real prostitution, trampling, and being put to use at a glory hole. There are others, but this is just an example.
Don’t get me wrong – i am not putting anyone down for claiming to have no limits – i am just trying to put a realistic view on perceived no limits and actual no limits.  I, myself, would be weary of a slave that said they had no limits because it would be in the back of my mind all the time whether they were actually enjoying what i was doing, or they were just doing it because they were afraid of losing the relationship.

Just My Opinion…BDSM and acceptance

I wrote this as a comment to a question in a group i am in. Now i am not going to quote the question – i am just going to post my reply. I was glad to see that i am not the only one that thinks like this….

First i would like to say i hate to hear someone called a Sadist when in reality they are a monster (people who kidnap, torture and murder people). Because of its usage in the vanilla world, it makes it even harder for a Dominant to say what he really is. They are looked up by the vanilla world as bossy, abusive, control freaks by many – and in some cases, like there is something wrong with them mentally (i have heard this said many times about a Dom i know who is open about his lifestyle “there is something wrong with him” or “he needs help” and “that man is crazy”).
I am not sure we can ever resolve it because people are always going to be judgemental. Heck we cannot get away from it in our own community because so many think that if you do not agree with their way of thinking then you are wrong. How can we expect the outside vanilla community to learn to accept what we do as normal when many in the lifestyle either will not or cannot practice YKINMYBYKIO?
I truly believe that a feminist can be a submissive. I know in my day-to-day life i am very much a feminist – or what i believe to be feminism. I believe that if a woman can do a man’s job that she should be allowed to do that job at equal pay and with equal opportunities. However, unlike some feminist – i do not believe a woman should be given a job simply because she is a woman. That is just wrong. I believe in equal opportunity, equal treatment, etc. I know that some of the feminist groups here on Facebook did a good job at forcing facebook to shut down many BDSM pages a few years ago because they thought that it was “demeaning” women. I ask some of them “How is it demeaning to me, when it is something that i willingly choose to do, that i set the limits on what occurs, and that if what i offer is not respected, i can walk away?” Of course there was no answer – i was blocked. In another feminist group i made it very clear that i was loved and cherished more than i had ever been in a regular relationship. Never had i been shown so much respect, which of course got me booted from there too lol.
Although i do think that some male dominants (and yes i used lower case)- whether claiming to be sadist or not – have misogynic attitudes towards women and use this lifestyle as a way of mistreating women and abusing them. A true male Dominant – whether Sadist or not – does not have misogynic feelings for women – they love and adore them. And what about the male Sadist that only have male partners?
And we cannot overlook the women that have misandric feelings towards men that use the lifestyle as a cover to abuse and demean men. This happens – i believe – just as much as men using the lifestyle as a cover for abuse. I see the female Dominants that insist that any submissive that wants their attention MUST pay tribute to them for them to talk to them and i wonder about their attitude towards men. I have seen them with pages on FB and they have their Amazon wish list on it and will tell the male submissives that if they want her picture or want her to spend her time with them, they must purchase something for them off the wish list. To mean, this is wrong and taking advantage of submissives that are longing for a Dominant and are willing to do anything to get that attention. I also wonder how long a male Dominant would last in this lifestyle if he demanded tribute for his attention. Not long, because he would be ran out as a fake. (sorry just my opinion on that part lol)
We as a community HAVE to accept that as long as a relationship is SSC/RACK/PRICK then we have to respect it. If it is not being forced on the submissive or being given as an ultimatum for the Dominant to stay in the submissive’s life (if it is a known hard or agreed upon limit) then let everyone live their lifestyle the way they want. If you want the blood beat out of you with barbed wire and your Dominant will do it – great. If you love being a sissy and your Dominant wants that – great. If there is no pain play in your relationship and that is how you practice – wonderful. If you are a masochist Dominant who finds a Sadist submissive and she serves you completely and totally, however, in play, you need to be the one receiving pain and her giving it – super. This is the mentality we need to worry about progressing to before we can ever begin to expect the vanilla world to even half way accept us.

Your Safety

I am wanting to stress again how important it is to be responsible for one’s own safety and well-being. You CANNOT just trust that everyone that claims they are a part of the Ls is. This lifestyle is very easy for a sociopath/abuser to walk into and truly hurt someone. And i am not talking about just so-called dominants – but fake submissives can be dangerous too. Think of the harm they can do to you personally and professionally if they decide they are not happy about something they previously agreed to, or they are bound and determined that you are not going to release them. Hazards can come from both sides of the slash.

I have posted in here before about SSC, RACK, and my favorite -PRICK. SSC is the standard most go by, however, there is risk involved in a lot that we do. Even being as safe as possible, a submissive can be injured. It is just a fact when you are participating in pain play, and even bondage. Think of the things you do in your everyday vanilla life that can cause injury even if it was not intended, and you can see why risk aware is so important to add to the SSC.
However, the reason i like P.R.I.C.K. is because it adds the personal responsibility factor to it. How can you NOT take personal responsibility for your personal well-being along with your personal and professional life?? Yes you SHOULD be able to trust your Dominant with your very life – but that is a trust that MUST be earned and KEPT. Just as a sub should always show that they are deserving of the trust and respect that is given to them by their Dominant. It is a 2 way street.
I truly wonder how many of these new subs would just send nude pics – and especially ones with their faces/identifying marks visible in them – to just any random Joe Blow that tells them they want them? How many of them would just load up and leave their family for someone they have never even seen their face or heard their voice? But yet because these people claim to be Dominants, they will do it. And then wonder why they are being blackmailed, why they are being abused, or why they are dumped without any reason why after sending pics or hooking up once with this person.
If your own emotional, physical, and/or professional well-being is not a good enough reason to take personal responsibility then consider your family and friends. Look at how many times family and friends are hurt by lack of personal responsibility. How many are left wondering what has happened to a family member that has just disappeared after meeting with someone? And even worse – the family members that have to identify the body of a loved one simply because Personal Responsibility was not taken and trust was given to someone who had not earned that trust, but simply hung Dom, Sir, or Master in front of their name on a website.
I am not saying that things cannot go wrong when you do everything right, because it can. Look at all the people who are injured or murdered by loved ones. However, the excuse, “well i thought i could trust him/her cause they said they were a Dominant” is no excuse at all. That is like saying “well i let him operate on me in the basement of his house because he claimed he was a doctor”. All i am saying is that in the end – you and only you is responsible for your safety and well-being. Common sense, being informed, taking responsibility for you and your actions – whether vanilla or lifestyle oriented will go a long way in keeping you happy and safe, and more importantly – alive.
Kayngel Hatcher

BDSM

BDSM

What I am about to write is strictly my opinion only. You may agree or disagree and that is fine. But i hope it may help some as they begin their journey into BDSM.

I see so many times people thinking that they are a sub or Dom because they enjoy pain play  or bondage in the bedroom. And you may be. However, I believe many times it is based on a lack of truly understanding what BDSM means, and what is covered under the BDSM umbrella. I also believe this is what leads to people getting involved in relationships that leave them unhappy or unsatisfied.

The first thing i would like to discuss is the BD in BDSM. It means Bondage and Discipline. This is the part that covers the part where people who enjoy kinky play only. It is similar to the S&M portion that i am going to speak of later, just not as intense. They are usually referred to as Tops or bottoms and can be switches also. There is nothing wrong with only enjoying Bondage and Discipline, it is just important that you make it clear that this is what you are seeking when searching for a potential partner.

DS is the Dominance and submission portion that most people are familiar with. You can be a Dominant/Master or a submissive/slave in this dynamic. The Caregiver (Daddy or Mommy)/little is also covered under this portion. Under the Dominance and submission heading, there is a  power exchange of some sort. It can be 24/7 TPE as in a M/s relationship or it can be only during agreed upon times, under agreed upon rules. Many times there is Bondage and Discipline and even Sadomasochism in a D/s or M/s relationship – but it does not have to be.  A submissive can submit fully to a Dominant and it never have any kinky/bondage/pain play in the picture. Many times you will see these people calling themselves Sensual Doms and subs to clarify that they are not into pain play. This does not mean that a submissive does not have discipline in their life nor does it mean that they are not punished.

I know some are not sure where the CG/little dynamic falls under the BDSM umbrella but it falls under the DS portion. Even without pain play, there is a power exchange involved in this dynamic. The Daddy/Mommy is expected to care for, look out for, and help shape and mold the little. The little is expected to respect and obey what the caregiver says to them. And although a little can be (doesn’t have to be) a bit more mischievous than a sub or slave, the CG can and does discipline and punish a little – just in a different manner than a Dom or Master may with their sub or slave.

The last part of the BDSM acronym is S&M. Sadists and masochists can be found without the power exchange of a Ds relationship. A Sadist derives pleasure – sometimes sexual-from inflicting pain and/or humiliation to another. A masochists derives pleasure from pain. A Sadist does not need to Dominate to be fulfilled as a Dom/Master does. He/she needs to give pain to another. A masochist may not have a submissive bone in their bodies, but still needs pain inflicted upon them.

As you can see Polyamory is not covered in the acronym. There are many that practice Ds relationships that also practice polyamory – but it is not given that a Dominant have multiple submissives. Polyamory is the ability to love more than one person. So many D/s and M/s relationships are happily monogamous. There are also plenty of polyamorous relationships that there are absolutely no power exchange or kinky play in. It is just the ability to love more than one person. It’s one similarity to a Ds relationship is the fact that it must have complete honesty and open communication for it to work. But then again that is any relationship.

I hope that this will help some as they start their journey in BDSM. I hope it helps you define what it is you are looking for, and to help avoid some pitfalls that many have gone through.

 

 

 

 

 

Discipline & Punishment

Discipline & Punishment

Many times Discipline and/or Punishment is confused with the scenes between a Dominant and submissive or used interchangeable when discussing correction of a submissive. Although the pain/pleasure delivered during play may be similar to that used during punishment – it is actually 2 entirely different things. I am going to be discussing how Discipline and Punishment is used during the training of a submissive.

Discipline is the used to teach proper behavior and obedience. It can be rules that are set down for the submissive to follow and/or accompanied by direct instruction by your Dominant. Discipline is used train your submissive physically and mentally to be the submissive you want them to be. It can be training in how to kneel, walk, stand, even speak, according to what your agreed upon relationship calls for. Submissives trained to be slaves follow a stricter discipline many times than subs due to the level of service that a slave is called upon to give.

Punishment is imposed upon a submissive to control or correct bad behavior. It must be clear that the punishment is being delivered due to the submissive’s misbehavior. If the submissive enjoys it – it is not going to correct the bad behavior, and only encourage more of it.  This leads to a vicious cycle of misbehavior and reward. Although it may be amusing at first, it is – in fact- the reason many submissives are released and they do not understand why. Just as a child’s misbehavior can be funny at first, it begins to become annoying. However, because rewards for misbehavior was given, the submissive will continue to do what gets them what they want instead of communicating clearly what their needs are.

Punishment can be physical, such as a spanking or paddling (if it is not something enjoyable to the submissive, and as long as it does not go against hard limits).  It can be made to write lines or even an essay on why their behavior was wrong and what it should and will be from now on. For littles, it can be sitting in the corner without any of their favorite toys or being sent to time out in their room. Holding a coin against the wall with their nose (whether standing on their toes or not) for a period of time is another example of punishment for misbehavior and can be modified as the Dominant wishes.

For many submissives, knowing that their Dominant is disappointed in their behavior, attitude, or actions will bring about a change quickly – as long as the Dominant is consistent in what he/she does not allow from the submissive. For some, especially slaves, the drive to be as close to perfect as possible for their Dominant will lead to only a look or simple but quietly spoken verbal correction will do the trick.

There are many different forms of punishment that can be used to correct misbehavior in a submissive. It should be a part of the negotiations when discussing your relationship, along with rewards for good behavior. Remember – what will work with one submissive will not work on another, and it is the responsibility of the Dominant to learn his submissive so that he can use the least amount of punishment to correct the behavior/actions that displeases or disappoints the Dominant. For example, a submissive may not finish a task assigned to them and they do not have a good reason for it. A time out or writing lines could make sure this doesn’t happen again. However, misbehavior in front of others that brings embarrassment to the Dominant could well be worth a more harsh punishment. Just as rewards should be given as earned, punishments must be doled out in the same manner.

First and foremost, never punish the submissive while you are angry. You need to let them know as soon as you can that they have broken a rule or misbehaved, but it should be done calmly. You should explain why the submissive is being punished. Make sure they are aware how their behavior made you feel. Make sure that the submissive is clear on what rule was broken.  Before punishing the submissive, be sure and also listen to the submissive. If there are underlying issues for the behavior, it does not necessarily take away from the punishment, but it may temper the level of punishment that they are given on this occasion.

Finally, make sure that they know that you have forgiven them. Submissives can carry a punishment around a lot longer than they should if they feel they severely disappointed their Dominant. Sit down with the submissive after the punishment has been completely and let them speak about how they feel. Just as you explained how their behavior made you feel, let them know how resulting issuing of punishment made you feel.  Keep the discussion calm, and once it is done, the submissive is forgiven. Period.

2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 18,000 times in 2015. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 7 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.