Littles, Baby Girls, Princesses and Brats
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Littles, Baby Girls, Princesses and Brats

A little is someone that enjoys spending time at a younger age and can be any age from a toddler to a preteen. They can also be male or female.

A baby girl does not have to act like they are a younger age. “Baby girl” can just be something that a Daddy Dom calls his submissive.

A Princess is a submissive that believes they should be pampered and spoiled and will do all they can to do to pamper their Dominant. Imagine a young girl that does everything they can to please their daddy because he spoils her rotten. She is Daddy’s good girl.

A brat is just what you think it is. Brats are disobedient and/or sarcastic. A brat is also called a SAM (Smart Ass Masochist). The brat acts like this because either the Dominant enjoys it, to get attention, and/or to get a spanking/whipping.

There may be times that you see more than one of these in a submissive – it is not unusual. You may even see a bit of a baby girl in a submissive that does not live the DD/lg lifestyle. There is a large part of me that is a baby girl. She peeks out at times when i need a little “extra”. Don’t be afraid of the little that may be inside you. Let her out- play, be pampered and cuddled, show the vulnerability that is a little. You will become stronger for it, imho.

Sensual Domination and submission
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Sensual Domination and submission

So you crave a Dominant that instead of flogging you red, uses sensual objects to tease your senses while you are blindfolded and tied up? Pain is just not something that you need or want – but you still want to submit to a strong loving Dom? You wonder if you are really a submissive because you do not crave pain? Well guess what? You are a submissive.

There are different parts of BDSM – Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, and  Sadism & Masochism. And truth be told, you can enjoy Bondage without the discipline. Domination & submission can exist without pain being involved. Many times with Daddy Doms and littles there is no pain, not even sex being involved. Does that make it any less of a D/s relationship? No not at all.

But for some reason there are people who believe that if a Dominant does not want to inflict pain on his submissive, then he is not a true Dominant. Obviously these people have not been teased and tormented with a wide variety of sensations until they beg for mercy. Nor have they witnessed a submissive reach a point of begging for mercy, almost – if not – using their safe word because they cannot take any more. Sensual Domination and submission can bring just as much pleasure for those that desire that as using a whip or dragon tail does for a Sadist and masochist.

Remember it is YOUR relationship. Getting to know each other and what each side wants and needs is what is important. No a sensual submissive and a Sadist are not going to get along – nor is a Sensual Dominant going to be able to please a masochist. If you find someone who meets your needs and that you are happy being with – don’t let anyone tell you that your relationship is not just as much a D/s relationship as any other.

The Desire to have a Dominant or Submissive
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The Desire to have a Dominant or Submissive

I have found over the past few months there seems to be a very large number of people wanting to find a Dominant – more females than males – but it is a huge number of people. They come to BDSM groups and the first thing they are asking is how do i find a Dom, or better yet, how do i turn my boyfriend/partner/husband into a Dom. I do get the question about how to get my gf/partner/wife to be more submissive- but not as often.  So this is something that i am going to address. Remember this is my opinion – although it is widely accepted as being true.

Meeting someone who is new or a fake

There are no shortcuts. There is no “plan” or trick to finding a Dom or sub. Just as with any relationship, it takes time and wading through the bad to find the good. You have to take the time to get to know each other, find out what each person is wanting from the relationship, and let it grow from there. If you find someone who wants to become your Dominant or sub after reading something you just said – run. There is going to be nothing but heartache from such a situation. I am not saying that by doing everything safely will prevent the heartache – but it can prevent a lot of it.

A “dominant” that wants to put a collar on you immediately upon meeting you or demands that you serve him without knowing you – RUN. This person knows absolutely nothing about the lifestyle and is only wanting someone to stroke his ego. Same with a sub that offers her submission to you without any discussions and negotiations. All they are wanting is a collar. Nine times out of ten you are going to be disappointed in someone like this. They are going to want the kinky sex and having someone claim them but is going to balk at anything that they do not consider fun.

There are so many out there now that are using the lifestyle as an excuse for their abusive behavior. They think that being overbearing, cruel, and uncaring is the way to be a Dominant. There is a huge difference in an overbearing, self-centered abuser and an experienced, firm, but caring Dominant. These people will not want you to use a safe word (will tell you it is not necessary). They will demand that you call them Sir or Ma’am or even Master or Mistress without any discussions. They will not want you to question their wants and needs – and definitely will not want you to speak to their previous subs or their friends. There is something to hide if they do not want you to find out anything about their past.

If you go ahead and get involved with these type people – they will do their best to cut you off from your friends and family. Many times they will try to make you completely dependent on them, They will become more and more abusive in their behavior and no matter what you do, you will not be able to please them. They will only show you affection when they are afraid of losing their play toy – not you in particular.

Believe it or not some of the “submissives” that are so desperate to have a Dom – any Dom – with no idea what it is to be a submissive, will not work at all. Expecting you to give them gifts, take care of them, give them all the kinky play they want without giving you anything in return. They have seen where the submissive holds the power in the relationship – which in many ways they do – and they think that the Dominant is supposed to do whatever they want, whenever they want. They will think that the Dominant is wrong to want to punish them for being out of line. And yes, i have read many questions where the brand new submissive thinks that a good experienced Dominant is not behaving a he should because he does not jump when she says so. Although you have a lot of power – the Dominant is still in control. When the Dominant sees that the new sub is not going to make any improvements in their behavior and dumps them – then he is wrong and cruel, etc.

And now the big topic – changing your partner

Time and time again, i get a message wanting to know – how do i change my husband or boyfriend into a Dominant. The simple truth – you can’t. Oh he may get a little satisfaction out of a little kinky play, but he is never going to be a Dom. I do not care how dominant he is in his everyday life – it does not mean he is meant to be a Dom. He may be better equipped to be a sub. Many submissives have a dominant personality in their day-to-day lives, but are subs – even slaves-  in their heart. And the very simple fact of the matter is – why is it okay for you to try to make your partner a Dom/me when it does not appeal to him at all? Why is it okay for you to make them miserable for you to be happy? Why don’t you give up your BDSM desires and focus on being a wonderful vanilla lover and partner? Especially if you are married, you have a lot more at stake than just that. Is a marriage that you have been in – sometimes for many years – worth breaking up simply because you suddenly come to the conclusion that you are a submissive? In many cases, once you finally find out that the lifestyle is not all fun and games, but is also very hard work, you have destroyed your marriage and hurt someone who loves you very much for something that you really were not as interested in as you thought.

Think about it from this viewpoint. What if it was a Dominant man trying to force his wife/partner to be submissive? He is really a Dom, she had promised to try, but she just does not have it in her. He would be considered an abuser. Well, I know this is hard to accept – but if you are trying to force behavior on your husband/partner that is pleasing or appealing to him in any way – then you are abusing him and his love for you.

I do not mean you should not bring up the subject with your partner. By all means, talk to them about your wants and needs. If your partner seems receptive to the lifestyle (Dominant or submissive, give him or her a BDSM checklist that you have completed and give them a blank one to fill out. Then both of you negotiate what it is you are wanting, needing, willing to try to hard limits. Start slow and work up. If it is in them to be a Dominant or submissive it will come out. But not if you try to shove it down their throat.

A serious warning

Be aware of all the dangers and red flags that a fake can reveal when they do not think they are. Always be safe in your search for a Dominant or sub. There are many cases where people have been seriously injured or even killed by an abuser because they were in such a hurry to obtain a Dominant. And the warnings and red flags can apply to someone appearing to be a sub. They can put on a good act, and then when the get you, become abusive – maybe not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. Once they feel they have you they can drop the mask they were wearing and the real person is revealed.

And the sad truth is – no matter how safe and cautious you are – you can still end up with a Monster instead of a Dom. You can take weeks getting to know them – you think – before you even consider scening together, and you can still end up being beat badly enough to be put into the hospital or even killed. I have seen it happen to male subs as well as female subs. Some of these Monsters are very good actors and can hide what they truly are. They know the right things to say and do. It is why I always advise to never allow yourself to be restrained until you have scened together a few times so that you at least have a chance of getting away if they do not honor your safe word. Once again that is just my opinion.

I am not trying to talk anyone out of trying to experience this lifestyle. Quite the opposite in fact. This lifestyle is a beautiful one. There is so much strength to be found in accepting your submissiveness or your Dominance. There is a closeness in being in a D/s relationship that i have never felt before. All I ask is that you not be in a hurry. TAKE IT SLOW. If it is meant to be it will, and if not, the real thing is just down the road. Take time to read and learn. You can find out a lot about yourself and what you want and need without having a Dominant or submissive. That way you will be more prepared to ask the hard questions, to negotiate for what you want and need, and most importantly – avoid the pain of finding out that what you thought was a dream is actually a nightmare.

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Book List

This list is mainly  from the website called Society of Janus, although i have added some titles to it. It has some excellent educational material on the page for people trying to find their way in BDSM. I would advise anyone just starting out or just wanting to learn something new to visit.

Also remember, if you have a kindle you can download samples of many books. Also if you do not have a kindle you can download a Kindle Reader to your smart phone or computer.

There are many informative BDSM books that are not fiction, and this is just a sampling that leans heavily toward classics. Most are available on Amazon. You can buy the books new or used and some on Kindle on Amazon. You may also be able to find them used on EBay.

General BDSM

50 Shades of Curious 

by Bo Blaze, PCC

150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink

By Em and Lo

Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide To Kinky Sex

by Gloria G. Brame, Fireside

Consensual Sadomasochism: How To Talk About It and Do It Safely

by William A. Henkin, PhD. & Sybil Holliday, CCSSE, Daedalus Publishing

Different Loving

by Gloria Brame, Job Jacobs & Jon Brame, Villard Books

Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking

by Race Bannon

Living M/s, A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships

byDan Williams and Dawn Williams

The New Bottoming Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press

The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

by Philip Miller & Molly Devon, Mystic Rose Books

Sensuous Magic

by Pat Califia, Cleis Press.

SM 101

by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press

Dominance and Submission

Becoming a Slave

by Jack Rinella, Rinella Editorial Services

Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus

by Christina Abernathy, Greenery Press

The Loving Dominant

by John Warren, Greenery Press.

The Mistress Manual: the Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance

by Lorelei, Greenery Press

Partners in Power

by Jack Rinella, Greenery Press

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners

by Lady Green, Greenery Press

Impact Play

The Compleat Spanker

by Lady Green, Greenery Press

In Defense of Flogging

by Peter Moskos

Flogging

by Joseph Bean, Greenery Press

Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning

by Janet Hardy, Greenery Press

Bondage

Erotic Bondage Handbook

by Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage

by Midori, Greenery Press

 Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage

by Lee Bridgett Harrington, Mystic Productions

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes- A Step by Step Illustrated Guide

by Two Knotty Boys and Larry Utley

Back on the Ropes

by Two Knotty Boys, Green Candy Press

LGBTIQ

 Coming to Power: Writing and Graphics on Lesbian SM

by Samois, Allyson.

Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and Serious Player

by Joseph Bean, Daedalus Publishing.

Urban Aboriginals: The Celebration of Leather Sexuality

by Geoff Manes, Daedalus Publishing.

Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men

by Bill Brent, Cleis Press

The Master’s Manual

by Jack Rinella, Daedalus Publishing.

Miscellaneous

The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-on Sex 

by Violet Blue

Anal Pleasure and Health: Guide for Men, Women and Couples

by Dr. Jack Morin, Down There Press

The Ethical Slut

by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (or Liszt), Greenery Press

The Family Jewels

by Hardy Haberman, Greenery Press

A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting

by Deborah Addington,

Greenery Press. No Kindle

LeatherFolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice

by Mark Thompson, Daedalus.

Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women

by Tristan Taormina, Cleis Press

When Someone you Love is Kinky

by Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst, Greenery Press

Healthcare Without Shame

by Charles Moser

Play Piercing

by Deborah Addington, Greenery Press

Honor Among Subs
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Honor Among Subs

Dominants have a code of honor: They will not go after another Dominant’s sub. If a submissive is owned and makes it clear that she/he is, the Dominant will go away. Many will not even make friends with a submissive without speaking to his/her owner. And many times you will see a true Dominant call out a fake Dom/player if that Dominant sees the fake harassing a submissive. There is respect and honor between Dominants.

Submissives on the other hand are a different kettle of fish. It seems like many of the submissives on Facebook and similar sites only want a Dominant that is in a relationship with another submissive. There are many Dominants here looking for submissives-kind good people who for one reason or the other do not have a submissive at the moment. And the hunting submissives will not give them the time of day. They only want the ones they see in another relationship. And what is even sadder, some of these hunting submissives are already in a relationship, but I guess they are only holding on to the one they have until they can trade him in for a newer model…*smh

And then you have the “submissives” that there only goal is to break up or cause trouble between the Dominant and submissive. They do not want the Dominant as their own – they just want to see if they can get him. It is a game to her. I have yet to understand what kind of pleasure a person can get from just causing trouble and hurting people.

IMO, we as submissives – male or female- should be looking out for each other. We are sisters/brothers in submission and we should be supporting each other. Now it may be different if a Dominant and submissive are into poly relationships. But even then, there should be a code of honor between the submissives because if the Dominant takes on the other submissive you will be sisters/brothers under that Dominants hand.

This behavior is seen in vanilla relationships also. Don’t get me wrong. It is prevalent in high school. But a submissive knows that the level of devotion to a Dominant is much, much deeper than you will find in most vanilla relationships. In most vanilla relationships the is a level of independence from the partner. Most do not submit to the other. And in knowing that a submissive gives her heart, mind, body and soul over completely to her/his Dominant, how can another submissive set out to willfully hurt their fellow submissive? Where is the honor and respect between submissives? Is this mainly an online problem or is it a problem in RL also? You see all the time on her lists of predator Dominants, but i have yet to see one for submissives that are just on the hunt – that have no respect for their fellow submissive, that there only goal is to break up relationships or to break strong Dominants. Maybe there should be one.

I know this has been a bit of a rant, but it seems that this is becoming more of a problem than it was. And I know many of you will say that the Dominant should be putting the trouble making submissive in her place – and this is true. But many of these hunting submissives are very good actors. The side they show to the Dominant is only what they want him to see- the whole time making the Dominant think that his submissive is being jealous for no reason. They will act like they are in need of his help, while flirting enough to not be obvious, but to make him think it is cute. And all during this time she is working to undermine the Dominant’s submissive – even purposely causing arguments with the established submissive to try to make it appear that the established submissive is picking on her. And then she will appear helpless enough to the Dominant that it ends up causing trouble between the established couple.

It seems that males tend to take things on face value more than females. They look at what is on the surface to them without digging any deeper. Women on the other hand have been practicing their craft since high school. They tend to be better at hiding their ulterior motives than men. And i am not saying that all women or all submissives are like that – by no means. There are many subs that will defend another’s relationship in a heartbeat. They will ostracize a trouble making hunting submissive until she knows that she is not welcome in the BDSM lifestyle…and this is how it should be…sister/brother submissives protecting each other….or at least it is IMHO

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Red Flags

If anyone else thinks of any others, please leave a message and I will add them

  • Immediately trying to say there is a connection, before they even get to know you.
  • Fishing for how much money you make or trying to word around asking for money
  • Asking for pictures the first day/ early on while getting to know each other
  • Not getting to know your likes or dislikes.
  • Not asking your limits
  • If they keep you hid from others. This is not meaning keeping the D/s separate from vanilla life. Many times people have to hide this lifestyle for professional reasons or even from family that just would not understand the lifestyle choice. However, if they hide you from theirfriends in the lifestyle – there is something going on.
  • If you cannot be around Him/Her when they are with their friends because their ex is there.
  • If they push to meet faster than you are comfortable doing, or they push to scene before you are ready. Your submission is your gift to give and He/She has to earn it.
  • If you are new to the lifestyle and the Dominant is supposed to be experienced, and they spend more time punishing you, finding things wrong, downgrading you, that person is an abuser. This is not referring to any type play where both of you are agreeable to humiliation during scenes. A Dominant should build you up not tear you down. Yes you should be punished in some form for infractions, but if you spend more time in tears than smiling, this is not a healthy relationship for you.
  • If a “Dominant” ever disregards your safe word or hard limits.
  • If they tell you that you have to “earn” the right to tell people who you are his/her sub/slave, you can pretty much bet there is a reason for it.
  • If they play on the fact that you are hurting to try to start a relationship with you. Rebound relationships rarely work. Most Dominants handle someone like this with kid gloves, takes a step back a little, or even asks another submissive to come in and help. They definitely would not be pushing to put a collar on you
  •  For our Dominants that have a “hurting or new submissive” coming to you for assistance. If you offer to have a submissive speak with them that may understand what they are goingthrough….can give advice from a sub’s viewpoint – and they get mad or refuse it – walk away from them. They are Dom/collar hunters.
  • Anytime you feel uncomfortable, protect yourself. A true Dominant would rather you back away until you have truly earned your trust than for you to stay feeling like something is wrong.
  • Pushing forcefully for a sub to disclose personal details such as place of residence or workplace before trust is established (Thank you IW Velours, my dear Sir)

red_flags

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Relationships and BDSM – When One Partner is Submissive and the Other is Vanilla

head to head

I am going to address something that seems to be popping up more and more. It is about people trying to change their partners. I see it not only here but in messages to my pages.
When i first started getting messages from new subs, it was from people who had thought that they were submissive – usually, i am afraid to say because they had read a certain book and got hot and bothered. They submitted to a Dom and then did not like the fact that he punished them because they had done something wrong. He did not bend to her every whim. I guess they were under the impression that because CG gave in to Anastasia’s every whim and want that that was the way this lifestyle is supposed to work. WRONG. You submit because you desire to serve and please someone else. You get pleasure from serving. Yes he seeks to meet your needs also, they should not be ignored – but you serve him, not him serving you. I have even had people address the relationship as S/d which tells me right there they are in the wrong lifestyle.

As time has moved on, i am seeing more and more people wanting to change their partner into a Dominant (mainly male, but female also). People mistaking a dominant personality for a Dominant person. They are completely different things. I have dominant personality in my everyday life…but my very core is submissive. That is where i find my true pleasure and happiness. When i offer advice on this situation it is in ways that you can get pleasure from serving, not in changing a person. Yes you may be able to get them to partake in some kinky activities- enjoy the submissive activities that you do to give yourself pleasure – but they will never be truly Dominant. It is a fact that you have to accept.

If you accepted your submissive nature (not became submissive) after getting involved in a relationship, it is easier for you to find happiness in the little things you can do to serve your partner. You have never really known submission, so in fact, what you believe you want may, in reality, not be so. You could find out that outside of some kinkiness in the bedroom, the rest of this lifestyle is not your cup of tea. Complete satisfaction can be found in this lifestyle without sex being involved; however, kinky sex will never bring complete satisfaction to a submissive, imho. I am not saying it is wrong just to be kinky – because it is not. I am just saying that being kinky and being submissive are two entirely different things.

If you knew you were submissive (or Dominant) and got involved with a vanilla, then the partner is not usually at fault in this situation. Now i have seen “submissives” that could put on a good show long enough to win over a Dominant, but then after getting what they thought they wanted, did their very best to change the Dominant. I rarely hear of a “Dominant” faking being a Dominant until they won over a submissive and then dropping the facade after winning the submissive’s heart. If you knew you were submissive and did not make it completely clear that submission is a vital part of who you are, there is no one to blame but yourself. You knew that you needed the L/s and chose to get involved with a vanilla. How can you place him/her at fault, when they did not hide who and what they are? You fell for this person as they are and now are trying to force something on them that is not who they are. You are failing them, not the other way around. You are hurting yourself and them – not them hurting you. I can just imagine the uproar that would occur if a Dominant (especially male) tried to force being submissive on someone (especially female). He would be labeled an abuser.

As i have said, if you discovered yourself after getting involved and/or married to a vanilla, you have a lot to consider. Since you have never experienced the lifestyle, you can and should be able to find pleasure in setting at his/her feet, serving them in small ways, maybe even the mild kink that you MAY be able to convince them to participate in. Rarely is a Dominant going to discover that they are Dominant, but if they do, it may be a little more complicated. A strong-willed vanilla is not going to submit very easily – although they may enjoy a little kink in the bedroom. However, if you knew you were submissive, and either hid the fact completely or kept telling yourself that you could change the person, you can only look to yourself. If you were not getting your needs met while dating – that is not going to change after you get married. If you thought that you could live without the lifestyle, decided to continue seeing a vanilla and then found out that you could not live without that part of yourself – it is still on you. It was your decision. Don’t kick a good vanilla because they cannot change to be something other than what they are. If they agreed to try, and just can’t do it – they still have not failed you. They tried. You failed yourself in not seeking the love and commitment you needed in the lifestyle.

At this point you have to make the decision now whether you are going to stay in a relationship, and either be unhappy and strive to make a good person happy; stay in a relationship and try to force something on someone who they do not feel and make both of you unhappy; or hurt a good person (although in the long run doing them a favor) and leave and make yourself happy. If you discovered your submissive side after getting seriously involved or married to someone, it is a lot more complicated. Neither of you did anything wrong. People grow and change all the time and relationships failed. If you tried to compromise and happiness still could not be found, then no one is really to blame. People change. You are still going to have to make hard decisions, and i truly feel your pain in this.

Either way – remember, the vanilla is innocent in this…Good or bad, a leopard can’t change his spots. You can dye his fur, shave him bald – but he will always be a leopard.

Trust and Honesty
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Trust and Honesty

I am going to speak on a couple of topics that it seems to be coming up more than should in a D/s relationship -they should be a given- trust and honesty.

Without honesty there can be no trust. A submissive is putting her heart and her safety into a Dominant’s hands. She has to be able to trust Him completely. Now i am speaking from a female’s viewpoint as i am a female but it is the same regardless if you are a male sub or in a MM or FF relationship. If he is dishonest, hides things, how can you trust him? If he breaks your contract or puts anyone besides family and his job ahead of you, how can you lay your love and submission and trust at his feet?

The simple truth is you can’t. No matter how much it hurts, you have to accept that your love and submission does not mean as much to him as you need it to or that he led you to believe. No one’s wants or happiness outside of his family should come ahead of you. If you feel like your feelings do not matter – guess what? They probably don’t. If he has planted doubts in your mind and does not do anything to try to correct it, the plain hard facts is he doesn’t care.

I have had some subs come to me and tell me that their Master hides their relationship. The first thing i ask them -is it legitimate? Many have to hide this side of their life due to their job, or because they have family members that just will not understand. Do to that fact, you have to accept that he is never going to be able to claim you publicly as his sub. However, he should not hide you are a part of his life. If he wants your friends to know you are in a relationship but he hides it from his friends – you can it is so he is free to play.

If you have caught him cheating – hiding his relationships from you, telling you that you are his only one – then you have some decisions to make. Are you going to forgive him? Are you going to end it? If you chose to forgive him remember he is the one that broke that trust and He is the one that has to work to earn your trust again. Just because you forgave him does not mean he is automatically trusted again. If he does not try to earn your trust again, obviously he does not think it is worth it. Think hard on your relationship and what you mean to him.

What do you do when you catch him cheating and being dishonest again? Are you going to forgive him again? The odds are he is never going to change and you have to decide if you can handle being treated like you are unworthy of his respect. And this where you have to decide if you are worthy of being shown love and respect or do you truly believe you do not deserve to be treated any better?

Now i am not going to let this be one-sided. The same goes for a submissive that does not show their Dominant the love and respect he deserves. If she is being dishonest, if you feel that you are not her priority -besides her family and job- then odds are you are right. Are you going to remain in a D/s relationship where the submissive is not showing her Dominant the love and respect that he deserves as her Dominant, then he needs to let her go. If she hides your relationship for reasons other than what i mentioned above – then odds are, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

The simple fact is, it is very hard to end a D/s relationship. There is a connection there that is unlike any vanilla relationship i have ever been in. I understand that it can be so very painful to think about ending such a powerful relationship. But be honest with yourself – if the relationship hurts more than it builds you up- if you feel that you are not enough, and talking about it with your partner does not fix the problem – how much more could you really hurt? ~kayngel Hatcher~

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Sub vs Slave

Many times there are questions of the difference between a sub and a slave. The following will try to explain each as simply as possible. I will use ‘she’ for sub/slave as I explain and he for the Dominant for simplicity’s sake.

Submission As a sub there is a broad range of submission that you can fit into and still be a sub. You and your Dominant may be completely satisfied with your submission beginning and ending at the bedroom door so to speak. On the other end of the spectrum, you are submissive to the Dominant in and out of the bedroom. At the heart of submission is the choice to submit and the option to say “No”. The submissive decides how much control she will give to her Dominant and what aspects of her life she will surrender to the Dominant’s command. Submissive power exchange is about choice: about the option to decide how one feels about a demand and what one is going to do about it. At any point that the sub is not comfortable with this arrangement, it is within her rights to say “No, I’m not going to do that”, and this becomes a signal to the couple that they need to renegotiate something. It does not completely destroy the power dynamic between them .A submissive chooses to submit and has the option to say “no” to a Dominant’s command.

Slavery How, then, does consensual slavery differ from submission? First and foremost, slavery hinges upon a commitment to obedience. The slave does not revisit issues such as “should I submit?” or “How do I feel about that? Will I say yes or no?” When a Dominant order is issued, whether or not the slave agrees with it, she is obedient in the same manner that a soldier is who in the Army

Secondly, in consensual slavery a person gives themselves over to the control of another as completely as is humanly possible. This means a high degree of obedience. This is where many of the people in the lifestyle have a split in opinions about slaves. Many say that the slave must live with or near their Master – ready to serve at any time. (This does take in consideration kids and work.)Many do not believe that a slave can live with even a vanilla mate. They cannot serve online as a slave because, simply put, you are not available at all times for the Master. You can say that you are doing something he commands and not really be doing it…it is role-play in many lifestylers eyes. I am not here to settle that argument or even give my opinion either way on it. This decision is between you and your Dominant.

Simply put, while both slaves and submissives are often fondly referred to as “property”, in the sense of consensual slavery the slave becomes literally (by mutual agreement) the property of the Owner. A slave commits to obey. A “No” from a slave is a terminal deal-breaker in a way that it is not for a submissive.~kayngel Hatcher~

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Japanese Bath

There are two versions of a Japanese Bath that I have found useful. The first one that I am going is faster and can be used if your time is limited. The second one is more time-consuming but well worth it.

The first thing you will need is to make sure you have a shower and a bath tub. It makes the Bath run a lot more smoothly. You will need plenty of towels and wash cloths, loofahs, and even a stool for the shower would be a nice addition. Herbal shampoos and body washes that the scents appeal to your Dominant are a special treat. For the longer Japanese bath, I like to include lots of candles. Play relaxing, soothing music through both of them to help your Dominant relax even more.

Bath 1

Make sure the scene is set before leading your Dominant to the Bath. It is best that you are nude or wearing as little as possible as you will be getting extremely wet. The music is on softly in the background. All your needed amenities are set out and a hot bath is run. Help your Dominant remove all of his/her clothing. As little effort on their part is the best.  Keep your voice soft and as soothing as possible throughout the bath.

Lead him (for the sake of writing I am using him for the Dominant) to the shower. Here is where the stool will be extremely handy. It would also be very handy to have a handheld shower head.  Wash and condition his hair thoroughly, making sure to keep the soap out of his eyes. With your first wash cloth, clean his face. If he has a beard, use the same shampoo and conditioner on it that you used on his hair. Use a different wash cloth and/ or loofah to clean the rest of his body thoroughly. Make sure all of the day’s dirt and grime is removed using his favorite soap/body wash. You can have him stand as you complete this action. But be sure he can brace himself on your shoulder or on a handrail. As I said, an herbal scent that is relaxing is the best. Rinse him thoroughly.

At this point, help him into the bath, ensuring that it is hot but not too hot. If he has any body aches from a hard day at work, you can add Epsom salts to the bath, but nothing else. The soak is just for relaxing.  At this point, you can join him if he would like and there is room, sitting behind him for him to rest against, or kneeling in front of him where you can maintain water temperature and have better access to him.

Make sure he has his favorite drink at hand – but limit the amount of alcohol due to the heat of the bath because this can lead to dehydration. I would recommend an herbal tea if he likes them. If you are behind him, massage his temples and head down to his shoulders. Work should not enter the conversation unless he just truly needs to get something troubling out of his system. This should be strictly relaxation. If you are in front of him, you can still rub his temples, head and shoulders, but make sure he has a bath pillow or roll of towels behind his head. Work your way down his arms and chest…light touches meant to be pleasurable. You can work further down his body to his legs if it pleases him, but if at all possible keep it as nonsexual as possible.

When he is ready to leave the bath, you leave first and assist him out of the bath. Dry him thoroughly. If he likes it you can use a softly scented lotion (I even like Hemp lotion) all over him. The gentle touch of your hands will further soothe him. Help him into his favorite robe or whatever he prefers to lounge in. At this point you can then dry off and slip into a robe, etc.

Lead him to wherever he wants to rest before worrying about straightening the bathroom. Give him a drink to enjoy while you do so. The rest of your night can go from there. I would not recommend alcoholic drinks if there is going to be any scening afterwards simply because I do not believe in mixing alcohol and scenes.

Bath 2    

Have all the same amenities listed above and during this one you can include the candles if you did not earlier.

Lead him first to the shower and complete a quick rinse of the daily grime from his body. The bath is to be kept as clean as possible. After you have rinsed him completely, help him into the bath. This is just to soak and let the heat from the bath open his pores and relax him. Keeping the conversation light, do your best to make sure the soak is as pleasant to him as possible. Epsom salts only in the bath here as well because you do not want anything but natural minerals in the water. You may be able to find other bathing minerals that you can use where you find your other natural herbal products.

Help him rise from the bath. Remember you are his support through this. Lead him to the shower and give him the thorough shower that is described in Bath 1. Make sure all soaps and shampoos are thoroughly rinsed away. After he is completely clean, check the temperature of the bath, adding more hot water as needed. Remember, although you are reusing the bath, there should be no dirt or soap in the water.

At this point, you give him the same gentle massage that you gave him in the first bath. A cool drink and maybe even some light fruit (if he would like, but not necessarily needed or recommended). When he is thoroughly relaxed…and at this point could be nearing sleep…assist him from the bath and give him the same treatment mentioned in Bath 1.

Both of these, and especially the second one, can be tiring for you until you get accustomed to it, but knowing you have given your Dominant such a relaxing and calming treat makes it worthwhile.

(And who knows, if you are especially good, he may reward you with the same treatment on occasion *devilish grin*)